I am Emmanuel
by Listae
Summary: After the souls, Castiel got lost in his new life of a human. What kind of life could it have been? Who was he then and did he have the place for Dean in his new found life? Slash, Destiel.
1. Chapter 1 - Who I Am

**Hi everyone! I had this idea to explore what could've happened to Cas in the time after souls when he was living as a human. Oh, the countless possibilities! :)**

**This is my take of who he was and what happened to him.**

**It's really new to me, so hope you'll enjoy it and let me know :)**

**General WARNINGS (for the fic, not the chapter): language, M/M sexuality, explicit descriptions**

**Sadly, I don't own SPN...**

Chapter 1 – Who I am

Monday

I lie in my bed at night and think about how I came to being, think about who I am.

It was so cold. That is the first thing I remember. Being cold and thinking about being cold. I was lying on the sand soaking wet and naked and I shivered uncontrollably. The chill was bone deep, so deep in fact that I thought it couldn't have been caused by the breeze of late spring's night. My body shook in the futile attempt to warm itself and all I could concentrate on was the feeling of my bones freezing under my skin. It was that cold.

I couldn't do anything about it really. I lied there, shaking and hoping it would end one way or the other. I knew I must do something or I'd freeze to death, but dying seemed the easier option, so I just lied there. Even now, six months after all this happened it's hard to remember those first minutes of my new existence.

Then John came. I didn't realize it at first; I didn't understand what was happening. He put his coat around me and he got me to a hospital. Severe hypothermia was what they called it. It probably was, I haven't had hypothermia since and I don't remember having it before, but the freezing of my bones felt almost… inhuman. I know it's foolish to think this way, but I do nevertheless.

Next week passed in a blur. Apart from hypothermia, I was also poisoned. I remember doctors trying to do all they could, but I kept vomiting vile black substance every couple of hours. Nobody knew what was wrong with me, that much was clear. They spoke in hushed voices, but it didn't take a mind reader to notice they had no idea what was wrong with me and if I would get better or not. And just like that a week later the vomiting stopped and I felt better.

John came to visit me every day and although he didn't even know me, I saw his relief when I finally could keep some of the food down. Of course, that's when the questions started. They all asked me what happened to me, what I remembered, who I was… And all I could remember was being cold. How many people could tell they remember how they came to exist? I think about it sometimes. I mean of course I had to have a life before I woke up on the shore of that lake, but what kind of life could it have been if it ended with me stranded naked on the shore, remembering nothing at all? What kind of life could I have been leading if nobody was even looking for me? John told me the police checked all the missing people reports and I was not in them… So I choose to think I was born 6 months ago.

I am lucky really. John took to me as the father, he offered me to stay with him, until I was on my feet again. John is a middle aged catholic priest in this town and he lives in a small cabin close to the church. He gave me the spare room and helped me find the job. I stayed with him for 3 months until I left to rent my own place. I still come to have dinner with him every Sunday. I love John and I admire his faith. I suppose I should also have faith – God gave me a second chance and made it really easy. He gave me John, who was and still is my guardian angel of sorts. And yet I don't have faith. I believe there's God, but I can't bring myself to have faith in him, to take him into my heart. John has been very understanding, but I see it pains him I don't share his faith.

I work at the hardware store now. I like it there. It was a bit hard at first, I'm desperately socially awkward, but now I know everyone in town and I generally like almost everyone, so it's really ok. I get to meet new people as well, but not so much. It's a quiet town, we don't get many outsiders here. Well, apart myself that is.

I also like carpentry. My boss Mark is a carpenter and he's taken to teach me. He says I'm good with my hands and I love the feeling of making, building something. The roughness of wood to be molded into something new and beautiful fascinates me. I sometimes wonder what I did in my past life. I don't seem to have any skills at all. I learn quickly, but when I try new things they feel new. My doctor says my amnesia is so severe that even my skills might be lost, but I don't know… I mean I haven't lost all skills – I can talk and write but I don't seem to have any skills that could indicate what I used to do. It doesn't really matter that much anyway, at least I learn fast. I also like working in the garden. John has a small garden next to his cabin and I worked in it all through the summer. Seeing things grow also fascinates me.

So who am I? John suggested Emmanuel and it sounded alright. So I suppose that's who I am – I'm Emmanuel, the man who works at the local store, has couple of friends, likes building things and has no past. Even in my own mind it sounds… foolish. But then again, I don't want to think of the man I used to be. I know nothing of that man and I don't want to know. I like my life now.

And yet…

And yet there's a hollow in my chest that throbs painfully as if I'm missing something. There's a void in me and I don't know what could fill it. I miss something and that missing is so overwhelming that some nights, like tonight, all I can do is to lie in my bed and hope for sleep that I know won't come. That much I'd like to know. What is it I miss so much I can almost feel the pain of it even though I don't even know what that is? Really, what the hell is it?

/\/\/\

Tuesday

"Morning Emma!" I greet my first customer. Emma is the daughter of the local car shop owner and she's in the hardware store every few days. I like Emma, she is always kind to me.

"Morning Em." She smiles at me. She always calls me Em, she says my name is the mouthful. I agree, it is a mouthful, but I like it. "My old man sends me for that drill he ordered. The number 8."

"Yes, I have it here for you. Do you need anything else?"

"How 'bout that coffee?" She asks me blushing slightly. I've been promising to take her out for coffee for weeks now, but never got around to do that. Mark is always busy lately and I'm usually at the shop from open to close, Monday to Saturday. I have Sundays off, but I go to John and also do my things on Sunday, like shopping and cleaning and all those things. I don't mind working that much, there's not much that occupies my free time anyway.

"Well, Mark promised to let me out next Saturday. How about then?"

"Saturday's good." She nods. "But I will really speak to Mark one of these days – he overworks you!"

"No, it's all good." I tell her. We had this conversation before. I think Emma likes me and she really cares about me. I like her too, but I don't think I like her the way she likes me. She is very pretty, probably even beautiful. She's almost as tall as I am and she's very slender. She's got big brown eyes and full lips that sometimes distract me. She moves with gracefulness and ease of the dancer, although she's never been one. I think she would've been great at dancing. But she's a small town girl. She's also a daughter of the man who always wanted to have a son and so as a kid she learned karate and how to fix cars, not dancing. "How about I pick you up at seven on Saturday?"

"That sounds great Em." Her smile is warm and the look in her eyes is inviting. I really like her, but… The hollow in my chest throbs painfully and not for the first time I wonder if I might have the family somewhere. I probably don't, because surely they would be looking for me, right? But then what do I long for? Or is it – whom do I miss? I shake my head slightly and notice Emma looking at me sympathetically. "I did it again?"

"Yeah, you're weird that way." She grins "It's as if you switch out, you know?"

"I know… You'd think that for someone with only six months worth of memories it would be hard to get lost in his own head!" I laugh and she joins me politely, although there's nothing particularly funny about the way I sometimes doze off. I take the package I had set aside for her and give it to Emma. I'm glad there's a counter between us, because apparently sometimes I invade people's personal space. Not so much anymore, because I measure it by the width of the counter even when I'm not behind it anymore. It took me some time to get used to it, because I personally don't have an issue with people standing too close to me. John was patient enough to explain that people take it as an insult or they are simply uncomfortable when I'm too close. It's ok, people are weird that way. Or maybe I am. "I put the bolts I didn't have last time in here as well."

"Thanks! You always remember."

"I have a lot of free space on my hard drive." I tell her seriously and we both laugh again. You either laugh at this or you weep. I choose to laugh, at least when I'm conscious. I think I cry in my dreams, because sometimes I wake up and my eyes are sore and puffy. I never remember my dreams, even though sometimes I wake up from the sound of my own scream.

"I'll see you soon, Em. Take care."

"You too."

/\/\/\

Wednesday

Today entire town is shaken. It's a small town I live in. It only has around two thousand people in it and everyone knows each other, so no wonder that when one of their… one of our midst is killed with such brutality, everyone is shaken. His name was Dennis Burke. He's married and has three kids from four to sixteen. He was a good man and I regret his death deeply. I feel for his family so much it frightens me. It also frightens me that something stirs in my head when I first hear about it. Not a memory precisely, but some sort of… déjà vu.

John called me this morning to tell me what happened. He said Dennis went to a local bar that for some reason unknown to me is referred to as "Hunters'" after work. He had just been promoted and he wanted to celebrate before heading home with the good news. He met up with his friends and they had couple of drinks. Nothing excessive, Dennis just wasn't that kind of guy. He left at around ten and never came back home. His poor wife called Sheriff Turner after midnight, begging him to look for her man. It's a small town and everybody cares, so Sheriff actually did go out to look for Dennis. He found him a mile from home, by the road, still in his car. To be exact, what remained of him was still in his car and that wasn't that much… His insides were ripped out of him, but Sheriff didn't find them. He didn't find his right arm that was torn away from the shoulder. He didn't find the big part of his right thigh nor his penis for that matter. It looked a lot like an animal attack, but for the fact that the bite marks on his body were… strangely human like. Of course Sheriff will have to confirm that with the doctor, but he's fairly certain Dennis was attacked, ripped apart and chewed on by the human. So no wonder the town is shaken.

Today all the customers speak about Dennis. The horror of his death and the pity everyone feels for the family is overwhelming. I wish there was something I could do to help Nora, Dennis' wife. I wish I could ease her pain, but I don't have it in me to even look at her, so I decide not to go to the memorial service. I didn't know them well – just the usual hello and good bye stuff, nothing more, but I don't want to face her pain. John will have to do it and I don't envy him. Not today though. Today the coroner is examining the remains of what used to be Dennis Burke – the husband, father, son and simply a good man.

/\/\/\

Thursday

It's in the papers. It always is in the papers, when things like that happen. Now everyone knows and for some unknown reason I tense at the thought that this is getting out of the confines of the town. The outsiders, the others will know and somehow it makes me uneasy. It's foolish, I know, but there's a part of me that wants to keep this peaceful little town hidden from the outside. I am happy here, I feel safe here and I don't want the world to close in on this town. What a strange thing to think of. The world is always there, but to me it feels like this little town is a shelter in the storm. I don't know what kind of storm is raging there, but it pains me to think it might shatter my shelter. And it frightens me to think it might have already arrived.

/\/\/\

Friday

I don't want to believe this. I want to wake up and realize it was all just a dream. It isn't of course. Sheriff Turner found another body and this time it's someone I know. Brian Talbot is one of the few friends I made since my arrival. Brian is the one who taught me to play pool and open the foreign beer bottle on the table. Brian sat with me through Lord of the Rings marathon because I couldn't stand not understanding the references my other friend Tom was making. Brian was teaching me to drive, because I want to pass my driving test so I can finally have my own car. I liked Brian very much. Hell, I loved him really, he was a good friend. It hurts to think of what happened to him, how much he had suffered. How can I have faith when these things happen? How can anyone?

I'll go to Brian's mother's house later today, because I know her and I want to be there for her. I could avoid Nora, but I can't avoid old Mrs. Talbot. Brian's father has been dead for a long time, but his mother isn't. I can't even imagine the pain she's in. Tom will come for me at work and drive us to Mrs. Talbot's and we will both do all we can to comfort her, although really – what can we do? I feel so sorry for Brian I wish I could cry, but my eyes are dry and no tears ever come. I wish there was something I could do.

Tom picks me up and we go to Mrs. Talbot. We don't speak much on our way. There's not much to say and neither of us is a talkative one. Brian used to bring conversations to us, Tom and I simply joined in. The lack of Brian, the loss of him never seemed stronger than in that car ride. I notice Tom's eyes are red, I think he must've cried. Brian and Tom were friends from the childhood and even though he doesn't say a word I know that losing Brian is like losing brother for him. I am so sorry for his loss.

It's worse at Brian's. He was the only son, so now old Mrs. Talbot is all alone. I can see the horror and the weight of it has not yet sunk in to her by the way her eyes dart around and by the way she looks at the door every couple of minutes, as if waiting for Brian to come back. I feel my throat constrict at that and I hear Tom murmur soothing things to her. It's futile really, what can you say to a woman who just lost everything dear to her? He tries nevertheless and I like him even more for this.

"Tom, please…" She sobs. "How can this be? How can he be gone? Who could've done this to my boy?"

She's crying, tears rolling down her wrinkled, aged and paler than ever cheeks. I can't stand this anymore, I can't see this pain, but I can't leave. So I just step closer and I put my hand on her shoulder. I wish I could do something, anything to make it better for her, to ease her pain even a little bit… She snaps he had at me and stares me in the eye. Her eyes widened with shock and something I can't really understand.

"What have you done, Emmanuel?" She asks silently. She's not sobbing anymore.

I stare at her. Have I done something? I don't think so. I tell her that. "I haven't done anything, Mrs. Talbot."

She still stares at me. "I feel… I feel better. What happened?" I can see she's perplexed and now Tom is eyeing me curiously as well. I just shrug. I haven't done anything. I wish I could have, but honestly, what could have I done?

"I haven't done anything. I am so sorry for Brian, I really am…"

She nods, still looking at me perplexed. "Thank you."

I know she's not thanking me for my words, but I can't keep her gaze anymore. I let go and step back and she's wiping the remainder of her tears. She no longer cries and some part of me is just so glad that whatever happened helped her a little.

On our way to my home Tom is silent as usual. I don't speak either, because what is there to say? We both lost someone who glued us together and I feel I'm losing my only remaining friend. I'm sad and it hurts, but I have no idea what should I do. I am that socially awkward.

"We'll go for drinks Sunday night." Tom says unexpectedly and I stare at him.

"We will?"

"Yes. 'Hunters'."

"Ok." I mutter.

"What the hell did you do back there?" He asks me unexpectedly, but I just shake my head.

"I didn't do anything. I don't know what that was."

"Ok." He nods and we're silent again. "We're going to get wasted on Sunday, so you better tell Mark you'll be late Monday."

"I don't get wasted." I tell him, although he knows. He and Brian had tried to get me drunk, but I just don't get wasted. I guess my threshold is higher than theirs.

"You will on Sunday. It's a send off for Brian and we're gonna do it right. You with me?"

"Yes." I understand this. It's a good bye, a closure. John spoke to me about the need for closure and I understand it. "I'll tell Mark I need a day off on Monday, I'm sure he'll understand."

"He sure as hell should. He's been keeping you up there the entire time."

He pulls up at my place then. I look at him and I'm so grateful he tries to remain my friend, but I have no words to express this to him. So I just stare at him.

"We're ok, Em." He says. He knows me enough to understand what my silence means.

"Thank you, Tom." I mumble. "Be safe, ok?"

"You too."

**I know there's not much of a Destiel here, but stick with me, it's going to be here :)**

**Hope you enjoyed, L.**


	2. Chapter 2 - First Dates

**Hi again :) Hope you liked the beginning my newest story and here's the second chapter. I wanted to post it as soon as possible, because it has Dean in it and what Destiel story can you have without him? :)**

**So anyway, here you go and let me know what you think!**

**L.**

Chapter 2 – First Dates

Saturday

It's always quiet at work on Saturday afternoons. There's usually a bit of the rush in the morning, because people want to get things done on Saturdays and if they need supplies, they come in early. Afternoons are quiet, eerie even. But I like afternoons, this is when I can work on my carpentry. Mark usually leaves something for me in the workshop in the back of the store and I spend my afternoons there. I'm actually cutting the ornament into the board that will become breadbox if I'm successful. I will be successful, I always am and this is not boasting, I think I just am a quick learner. It calms me, the carpentry. I'm thinking about my date with Emma a lot and I'm a bit anxious. I like Emma, but I'm not that good at making small talk, so I'm wary, but as I cut the ornament, it soothes me. The ornament I'm carving is somehow familiar. I don't know what it is or if I've seen it before, but it gives me that strange feeling of déjà vu. I see this image in my head and I want to transfer it to the wood. It's sun of sorts, I suppose, but there's writing on it. I feel I should understand what it is, but I don't and it frustrates me. I hope that when I'm finished I'd make sense of it, maybe will even be able to understand it. I'm so composed engulfed in my work that the jingle of the bell above the door startles me. I shake my head and grin at my own reaction. Honestly, I'm working at this shop!

"Just a minute!" I yell and put the board aside. I brush off the wood chips from my hands and jeans and enter the store. I look around and see a man standing by the hammer shelf, his back to me. He's tall and his hair cut short, almost a buzz cut. He wears jeans that look well worn, a jacket and heavy boots. I know he's not local, I've never seen him, and yet the way he stands tugs at me. There's familiarity I can't quite place. I clear my throat and he turns to face me.

The time actually freezes then. I know it sounds foolish, but I don't know how else to phrase it. I stare at him and notice things I don't usually notice - how his eyes are brownish green, how his lips are full and pink and his bottom lip glistens as if he just licked at it, how his Adam's apple bobs as if he tries to swallow, how he's got freckles scattered on his cheeks and most of all how he stares at me, those green eyes wide with surprise and shock and something I can't place. I stare at him and the wave of déjà vu stronger than ever before washes through me. I don't know him, it's the first time I laid my eyes on him, but it's as if I've known him my entire life. It's stupid, the things I think of while staring at him, but at the same time I know it's significant. I stare at him still and he stares at me. John has told me that if I notice I've been staring at someone that means I've been staring for way too long. He taught me to count to three whenever something catches my attention – this way I know when to drop my gaze. Apparently, I'm intense… I know I've been staring at this man way too long, it's long even for me, but he keeps staring just the same. Finally, finally I find my voice.

"Can I help you?" I finally croak and I'm surprised to hear the tone of my voice, low and almost husky. Something flickers in those eyes of his, but he still doesn't drop his gaze. Funny thing is I'm not uncomfortable; I could look at them infinitely.

"Salt." I hear him mumble. At least I think this is what he said, but I'm not sure, because it was barely there. If his lips wouldn't have moved, I'd think I imagined it. As it is I stare at his lips now. It takes me few moments to find my voice again.

"I'm sorry?" I finally manage and it sounds stupid to me. I can't seem to find it in me to tear my gaze off him, but he doesn't drop his either. He holds my eyes as he rumbles "I need rock salt."

His voice is so low it's almost growling. And just like that I think of earthquakes and mountains rising from the earth. What a foolish thing to think about. Finally, I tear my eyes off him and I let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding. I shake my head and try to clear it. It feels fuzzy, the head of mine and I don't understand that feeling. There's something else different, but I can't put my finger on it. When I'm not looking at him, my head clears a little and eventually I start thinking again.

"We don't sell salt here." I tell him still not looking at him. "It's a hardware store, you know."

"Right." He agrees. "Sorry man, don't know what was I thinking."

The sound of his voice does something to me, I feel… I think I like it.

"It's ok." I tell him, but I resolutely don't look at him. "There's Wal-Mart just around the corner, you'll find salt there."

"Thanks." He mutters, but he doesn't leave, he just stands there. Finally, I can't stand it anymore and I raise my eyes to meet his. He's looking at me, just the way he did before and this is when it hits me. The hollow throb in my chest I've been feeling as long as I can remember is not there anymore! I stare at him, my eyes widening in shock, but as I do so I feel whole. For the first time I feel complete. I know this should frighten me, but it just doesn't. So I just look at those greenish eyes and let myself feel alright. Eventually I realize I have to say something. It's getting ridiculous how we just stand silently, looking at each other. So I say the first thing that pops to my mind.

"Have we met before?"

I think I startled him with my question, because it's now him who's shaking his head trying to clear it. It's him, who avoids my eyes.

"I don't…" He starts, but never finishes. "Who are you?"

Despite being as socially inexperienced as I am, I know this is not normal interaction between people. I mean I see people talk to each other, meet strangers, hell, I've met the town-full of strangers in this shop alone, but never did I get in the situation like this. And still the funny thing is it's not uncomfortable.

"I'm Emmanuel."

He actually grins at that and I find myself thinking I like his smile.

"Emmanuel?" He repeats, still with the grin. "It's a mouthful."

I smile at that. John always tells me I should smile more, especially when I meet strangers, because they say that it breaks tension. So I smile and I see his eyes dart to my lips.

"My friends call me Em." I tell him and for some reason that makes him laugh. And dear Lord do I like him laugh…

"Do you have a last name?" He asks suddenly and I can't help thinking this is such a strange question to ask. I mean I don't actually have last name, but everybody does. So how could he know I don't?

"Meyers." I tell him evenly. It's John's name and he said I could use it. My papers are now in this name. Emmanuel Meyers. They are temporary papers of course, police is still investigating who I am, but it's not likely they will ever find out. I mean it's been six months – if there was something to find out about me, they would have done it already.

"Ok." He nods. "Are you from around?"

I feel interrogated. It's crazy of course, I suppose he's just making a small talk after the whole staring thing, but I can't help but think it's questioning. It makes me much more uncomfortable than staring did.

"Yes." I tell him. It's not that I wanted to lie to him or anything, I just don't want to go into details of my appearance in this town. Emmanuel Meyers is definitely local.

He tilts his head curiously. "Ok." And we stare at each other again. His gaze is warm on my face and I like it. He looks at me as if trying to find something, but at the same time he just looks at me as if he knows me. It's strange and it should be uncomfortable, but it's not.

"Is there anything else I can help you with?" I ask finally, remembering I'm actually at work.

"Um… Yeah. Do you have a rubber hammer, by any chance? There's a dent on my car and I want to straighten it." He nods his head towards the window and I see his car. It's big and black and old. I don't know much about cars, but this looks… Again the déjà vu washes through me.

"I like your car." I tell him plainly. It's probably odd to say stuff like that, but I do like his car. He smiles at that.

"Yeah, you do! My baby's golden!"

I laugh and come closer to the hammer stand to find him a rubber hammer. I shuffle around for couple of moments, deciding what would suit the best and finally find the one I think will do. I move closer to give him the hammer and suddenly realize I'm closer than the counter width. I take a step back and smile apologetically.

"Sorry, didn't mean to invade." I tell him and see him tilts his head curiously. "I sometimes do that." I hand him the hammer. "Is this what you're looking for?"

He takes the hammer and his fingers brush along mine and we stare at each other again. This staring is unnerving, but for some reason I like it. Same as I liked the feeling of his fingers brushing along my hand. It's absurd, isn't it?

Finally he looks at the hammer and nods. "Yeah, it'll do."

I move back behind the counter and he pays for the hammer. I don't know what else to say, so I just stay quiet as I make an effort not to stare anymore. He's quiet for a while too, but then he sighs.

"I'll see you around, I guess." He mumbles and I look at him.

"Are you in town for long?" I ask him.

"Nah, just couple of days." He replies and it makes me inexplicably sad. I nod and then I realize I don't even know his name.

"You never told me your name."

"No, I haven't." He agrees and falls silent again. I think he won't and it's a shame, because I'd like to know his name. He speaks again.

"It's Dean. Dean Winchester." He looks at me and I think he's searching again. The name doesn't sound familiar and yet somehow it does. I realize why it sounds familiar a moment later.

"Hello Dean." I tell him with a smile, but my smile falters as I hear him suck in a ragged breath. It also falters because the way his name rolled off my own tongue is so breathtakingly familiar it startles me.

"Who are you, Emmanuel?" He asks suddenly and I frown at his question. "Never mind." He mutters. "And thanks for the hammer."

He strides off then and I'm standing like a fool watching him go. I want to call him, I want to stop him, but I don't know how. I don't have any excuses to make him stay and I'm not good at coming up with that kind of stuff, so I just stand and watch him go. As a bell jingles when the door closes behind him I sigh heavily. He's gone and I've done nothing to stop him. I probably won't ever see him again and it doesn't just make me sad, it actually almost hurts. I realize this as the hollow in my chest starts throbbing again. Who was he? Why do I react to him the way I do? Does he know me? I think he must've known me before, but then surely he would've said so, right?

The peacefulness of Saturday afternoon is shattered and I feel anxious and on edge. I don't want to go back to carving the board, because I know I'd mess it, so I just stand behind the counter trying to calm down and knowing it's not going to work. I feel shaken and I wish Brian was still alive, I wish I could talk to him. Tom's great, but I never spoke to Tom about who I am or what I feel, it's always been Brian I talked to. Not that I talked to him much, I'm a quiet sort of guy anyway. There's John of course, but I can't speak to him about this. John is like a father to me and even I know you don't really speak to your father about something like that. I could probably talk to him about my unease at taking Emma for coffee, but I could never talk to him about the fact that some guy came into the store today and left me confused and startled. I mean, what on Earth has just happened? Who is he? And most importantly, why do I care?

After work I go home and take a shower. I feel calmer now and the whole incident at the store feels a lot like a dream now. Not that I know what the dream feels like, I never really remember my dreams. I dress up in grey slacks and white button down. It feels weird to dress up, because I very rarely do. I go to John's church once a month or so, just to pay my respects to him – that was the only reason to dress up. Until now, that is.

The town I live in is small, so I don't really need to drive to pick Emma up. It's good, because I haven't passed my test yet and I don't have a car. The evening is warm though, so walking won't be an issue. By the time I reach Emma's house, it's five past seven. I actually enjoyed the walk, it calmed me down further. At some point I thought I heard someone behind me, but I must've imagined it, because when I turned to look, there was no one there. I knock at the door and a minute later Emma opens. She's smiling joyfully and I smile back.

"Come in." She says and steps back to let me in. I've never been to Emma's, so I walk in and look around. It's a nice place, very orderly. It's simple, small town home, but it's cozy and there's this feeling of family home you get every time you walk in to the house full of pictures and small details that scream 'family' at you. I like it. I wish my home would say 'family' some day, because right now all it says is 'rented by unknown'. Brian used to say I'm a walking mystery and my home gives nothing on me as well.

"You look very nice." I say glancing at Emma and she blushes slightly. I know you're supposed to compliment your date, I've seen it on TV. She does look very nice anyway. She's wearing a blue dress and it's the first time I see her in anything but jeans and T-shirt.

"Thanks Em. You look great too." She smiles. "Give me just a minute and we can go, ok?"

"Sure." I nod. "It's a bit windy outside, so don't forget a jacket."

"Yeah, all good." She's back up stairs and I look around. Emma doesn't have brothers or sisters, but she does have an impressive assortment of cousins by the look of the pictures. In every one of them, Emma's a tomboy – jeans and T-shirts and bruises form climbing trees or riding bikes. She's happy in those pictures and I think she must've had happy childhood. I wonder what I like was as a kid. Probably a nerdy kind of kid, because both Tom and Brian tell me I have all the qualities of a geek. I do too, I relate to the underdogs very well.

Emma comes back and I see she's wearing a jacket that looks really good on her. I say so and she blushes again.

"Let's just go, Em." She says and I offer her my arm. She looks at me for a second, but then she takes my arm and we walk out.

"Your father was not in?" I ask her. I thought it was customary for the father to come glower at the date.

"Nope, he's still at the shop. He growled at me a little for leaving early today, but I don't go on dates too often, so I just told him to get over it."

"He must be very protective of you." I tell her. It doesn't surprise me that much, not after what happened to Denis and Brian.

"Yeah… You know I thought you'd bail on me, you know?"

"Why's that?" I ask surprised. I mean I didn't get around to taking her out for a long time, but if I say I'd do something, I always do that.

"You know… After Brian… I know you were friends."

I nod. Yes, it makes sense. "I can't help Brian anymore. I wish I could, but I really can't."

She looks at me surprised. "Of course you can't. Why would you even think about it?"

"Because I'm really sorry for what happened to him and I wish there was something, anything I could do."

Emma rubs my arm sympathetically. "I know. I'm sorry too, I liked the guy. He was real joker, but he was decent sort of guy."

"Yes, he really was." I agree, but then I don't want to talk about Brian anymore. It hurts to think of him and I'll have tomorrow to say good bye to him, so I just change the subject.

"I'm glad we're finally doing this." I tell her, because it's actually true. To me, it's the first date I ever had. I know it's likely not true, I mean I'm in my thirties or so, but I don't remember ever being on a date and I think it's high time I went out.

"Me too." She laughs. "You are hard to get though!"

I laugh too, because in a way it's true, I've been promising to take her out for a long time. We reach the coffee house at last and I walk her in. Unsurprisingly everybody turns to see us and they stare unabashedly. It's a small town and everybody knows everybody. I don't care much; I'm a staring kind myself, although usually not for the same reasons. It's worse today, because it's both of us. Nobody ever saw Emma or me on a date. Emma because she's very private person and she's told me she only goes on the dates outside the town, and me, because I simply never been on one. I think Emma suggested coffee house because she knows I don't drive and she didn't want me to feel bad, but it's hard on her. I feel her squeeze my arm and I place man hand on hers with reassuring squeeze.

"We'll go to the booth, ok? And they can't really stare all night."

"It's ok." She mumbles, but I know it's not. I lead her to the booth and make sure she sits with her back to the crowd. It's not much of the crowd anyway – twenty people tops, but I know she's uncomfortable and I want her to relax as much as she can.

We order coffees and I take cherry pie while she asks for some ice cream. I like pies and cherry is my favorite so I think we're on a good start.

We chat a little while we sip our coffees and eat our deserts and Emma starts relaxing visibly. It's easier than I thought it would be. Emma knows me quite well, so it's easy to find things to talk about. I tell her how I had to endure Star Trek marathon with Brian, because for some unfathomable reasons he loved it and I owed him one for the Lord of the Rings. She laughs at that and tells me about the time she had to endure Sex and the City marathon with one of her girlfriends. I haven't even heard about Sex and the City and we both laugh when she tells me I haven't missed out at not having heard about it. All in all it's a pleasant and easy evening and I'm having a really good time.

That is, I'm having a really good time until I notice the coffee shop go a bit quieter and I see him walking in. Dean. My eyes fix on his automatically and I notice how his fix on mine. We stare at each other as he sits at the table too far from me to hear him. Our staring is broken as someone walks between us and I notice he's not alone. He came with a big, very tall man who now sits in front of him. I use this moment to focus on Emma again and I smile at her. I'm at a loss of what I should say next, I haven't heard her last sentence.

I'm sorry?" I mumble and she chuckles.

"Dozed off for a moment there?" She asks and then repeats. "I was saying we should go see World War Z when it's out. I heard it's really cool."

"Yes, it sounds good." I agree absently. I just can't seem to concentrate. "What is it about?"

Emma starts talking again, but I just don't hear her. Instead almost involuntarily my eyes find him again and I'm startled to see he's still looking at me. The man in front of him turns to see what is he looking at and I look at him. He has a kind face framed by the hair that is slightly too long. It doesn't matter though, because what I stare at is the expression on his face. It's pure shock mingled with anger and something else I don't understand. Dean is reaching and grabbing his arm. I see he's talking fast and angrily to him and I feel I'm invading. And that's saying something, because I don't usually feel when I'm invading. I try to focus on Emma again, but it's so distracting, knowing he's right there. It's absurd really, how much I react to his proximity. I don't even know the guy, for crying out loud! But the mere thought of him being there tugs at me. What is happening to me? I've never felt this way before. Who is he and why do I react to him so strongly?

I excuse myself and go to the bathroom. Emma is startled by my abrupt departure, but she smiles at me anyway and I feel a little better looking at that smile. I smile back at her, before I go. I'm lucky I don't have to pass their table on the way to the bathroom, because is in other side of the coffee shop. I don't really need to use the bathroom, so I just lean over the sink and splash some cold water on my face. I have to pull myself together, but I don't even know what it is that makes me so restless. I mean I know it has something to do with him, but it's the first time I feel anything like this and I just don't know what to do. I sigh heavily and take some paper towels to dry my face. When I look up I almost jump startled, because he's right behind me, looking at me from the mirror. I whirl around and I'm facing him.

"Hey." He mutters. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Somehow I think he's amused as if he's enjoying a private joke. I don't feel amused at all. I feel confined. He's not standing too close or anything, but I still feel the walls close in on me. I think this is what claustrophobia feels like and I don't like the feeling.

"It's ok." I mumble and I try to get past him. I don't understand my own reactions. A moment ago I wanted to come closer to him, but now all I want is to flee, to get away. Inexplicably I wish I could just disappear. The things I think of in stress! I'm almost past him, when his hand darts and his fingers close around my wrist. I stop immediately and look down at his hand.

"Hey, just… Just wait a moment, ok?" There's plea in his voice and I just like that know I'll stay.

"What do you want?" I ask and he lets go of my wrist. He rubs absently at his eyes and then looks at me and I know he's at the loss of what to say. He doesn't seem to be a man of many words.

"Look, man, you remind me of someone I used to know. I know I've been acting like a fucking moron, but…"

So that's what it is. Of course, it must be it. I remind him of someone; that makes sense. And yet I can't help but feel utterly and inexplicably disappointed. I actually thought there was something about me that interested him. And suddenly it's a light bulb moment for me – I'm interested in him! I scowl at myself inwardly – isn't it an excellent moment to realize you are interested in someone when that someone tells you that you remind him of somebody else? I pull myself together. At least now I know what's going on.

"It's ok, I figured. Sorry to disappoint you though." I start walking again, because standing here close to him starts to be difficult.

"Wait." He says again and I halt despite really wanting to get out of there. "Jesus, you can't be him!" He growls suddenly and I know there's pain here. He's hurt and I'm always so uneasy with people being in pain that I flinch back a little.

"I'm sorry." And I am. I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better, but as always – there's nothing I can do. Then he shifts and he's in my bubble. John told me about the bubbles. He says everyone has his bubble of personal space – some are bigger, some are smaller. Apparently mine is really tiny, because I keep invading others'. But now he's in my bubble and I freeze. He rests his forehead against mine and I just can't move. My breath hitches and I can smell him – he smells of fresh coffee and mint and car oil with the tiny hint of sweat too. It's such a masculine smell, but it overwhelms me. My head's starting to swim and I can't concentrate on anything but the feeling of him so close to me.

"Dammit Cas, is that you?" He whispers and I hear despair in his voice. I feel sorry for him, I really do, but at the same time I can feel my body react to his proximity the way I'm really not used to. I want to wrap my arms around him and make him feel better, keep him safe and just… Just plain keep him. But it's not me he's seeing when he stares at me. So I tense further to pull myself together and I push him away gently.

"I'm sorry Dean." I tell him and momentarily I'm distracted by the way his name feels on my tongue. I carry on. "I'm Emmanuel, not somebody else."

He looks at me for a moment longer and then nods.

"Sorry, you must think I'm crazy." He laughs shakily.

"No, I just think you lost someone dear. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Yeah, ok." He mutters and I know the moment's over. He's clearly not an emotional type of guy. "Sorry for the drama."

I know he's not going to talk more, even though I don't know why I'm so sure. I take a step back to have a counter width space between us.

"I'll just go back to my date now." I tell him and even to me it sounds lame. Brian often said I sound lame and I think I started recognizing it even though I didn't stop sounding lame. He looks at me then.

"You're on a date?" He asks and shakes his head. "You're definitely not him."

I don't know how to reply to this so I just shrug and walk away. As I approach our booth I think I should have probably said bye or something, but at the same time somehow I think saying good bye is not my thing.


	3. Chapter 3 - To Brian

**And here's chapter 3 :) Please let me know what you think, I'm getting anxious...**

**Enjoy, L. **

Chapter 3 – To Brian

Sunday

I think of last night as I walk to John's for our usual Sunday dinner. Well, I try to think of my date with Emma, how nice it had been, but really every time my thoughts return to him. I try to think how Emma told me about her father and his love for cars, but my mind darts to the thought of his eyes on my face as she spoke of it. I try to think of how her laughter sounded when I told her about the time I accidentally got myself into a huge fight with Brian because I said I thought Star Trek was not only unrealistic but also a bit foolish. We both laughed and Dean's eyes darted to mine at that. I remember the look in them, softer than ever before and it makes me smile a little. I was so aware of him all evening that I have no idea how I managed to get through my date. I mean I actually managed the small talk, even though all the time I was thinking of him, feeling his gaze on me. When I could no longer handle it, I invited Emma to go for a walk and she agreed. I think she was relieved to leave the coffee shop, were everyone still stared as we walked out. Emma had taken my hand as we got up and as we passed their table on our way out and I saw him looking at our hands with a small frown on his face and somehow I liked that frown.

The rest of the night was really pleasant – we walked and talked and laughed together. I like Emma, I like a lot, but I still think I don't like her the way she likes me. When I walked her back to her father's house she said she had a really great time and I said I did too. It wasn't a lie, I don't know how dates usually go, but for me it was really nice. She stepped closer then and looked at me searchingly, waiting. With the jolt I realized I was expected to kiss her – I've seen enough silly movies to know that. So I leaned in and I did so. The feeling of her lips on mine was… unexpected. She was warm and sweet and I liked the way her lips molded to mine. The feeling of closeness was overwhelming in many senses and I liked it. I liked the way her lips parted and I tasted her tongue for the first time. For all intents and purposes this was my first kiss and I enjoyed it. But at the same time it felt inexplicably… void. Well not really void, but just not enough. Even though I liked the feeling of her body pressed to me and I liked the taste of her warm mouth, I didn't get that feeling of frozen time as I kissed her. Again, it's not like I have anything to compare it to, but when Dean rested his forehead against mine, I froze. There was a feeling of a knot tying up in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't breathe with him so close to me. It's foolish, I know it is. He was just desperate to see his friend in me and it really meant nothing, but to me that moment right there was more than the entire evening with Emma, including the kiss. This kiss was comfortable and warm and nice. The feeling I got when he stood so close to me was nothing like that at all. It was raw and raging and there was definitely nothing comfortable in it.

I think I could've lived my entire life in the comfort of Emma's presence if I had never laid my eyes on Dean. But as I had, there was no way for me to lie to myself and tell myself this is enough. I know it's wrong. I don't even know him and I'm not even sure I'd like to know him really. And also he's… well he! John says homosexuality is a sin and although I don't share his faith, his opinion is important to me and I'd hate to disappoint him, I really would.

I shake my head, because I'm almost at John's now. I got way ahead of myself with the whole Dean thing and it frightens me. For crying out loud – I haven't even known he exists twenty four hours ago and now all I'm thinking of is him. It's pathetic, really, even I know that, but there's something about him that tugs at me all the time. This familiarity, this energy he has. I wish I knew him better, but at the same time I wish I have never met him. I was safe here and I was happy and now… Now I feel the world closing in on me and I'm afraid of that world, of what it holds and most of all, I'm afraid of who I am in that world.

I ring the door bell although I still have the key to John's house. He always says his home is my home, but I think it's common courtesy. He opens the door with the smile on his face and lets me in.

"Always with the ringing Emmanuel."

"You know me, I'm weird enough without prying." I laugh and he frowns.

"You're not weird, son. We've been through this." He's right, we have been through this. He thinks my quirks come from the amnesia, but I can't believe this. I mean I lost my memories, but my personality is more than just memories, isn't it? I hope it is, anyway, but he's probably right to the degree. I did learn to keep my distance from other people and not to stare that much. Unless it's Dean apparently.

"How've you been?" I ask him and he understand my question. With Dennis' and Brian's deaths the whole town is edgy and when people are edgy, they go to church.

"The sermon was difficult today, people are restless and frightened."

"Of course they are." I agree because I see the way people tensed up after all that happened. It's strange to me they turn to God in the moments like that, because I personally want nothing to do with God that allowed this to happen. It's petty, I know and John keeps telling me I am no one to judge God, but it's my life and my opinion. If anything, at least I have free will.

"I was hoping you'd come to church today." He says. His voice is flat, but I know he's disappointed.

"I'm sorry." I mutter to him.

"It's about Brian, isn't it?" He asks softly and I nod. John knows how I am about the pain and suffering so he just wraps his arm around my shoulders and leads me into the living room.

"It's ok, son. I understand. I just wish that in your moments of need you'd rely on our Lord."  
"I rely on you John, isn't it enough?" I ask defiantly, but he keeps smiling at me softly.

"You would find solace in him." He says and I pull away.

"John, I really don't want to talk about that anymore. I'm not a believer and whatever you do or say I shall not become one. I don't agree with your God and so far he's done nothing to make me think otherwise. How are you even sure he's still there? For all you know he could've just died or something! I mean look what's happening around you!" We had this discussion before of course. And I know it's futile to argue with the priest, but he's such a fatherly type with me! I mean I know parents get on their children nerves and although John is not really my father, in this regard he really is. It bothers me he's got so much faith in God that lets life as it is happen. It makes me angry and sad.

"Ok, fine." He concedes. "Just go wash up and let's have dinner. I've had difficult week and I really don't want to argue with you."

There is the grand total of two things that John is good at cooking and he cooks them in turn. Last week we had roasted chicken so today we are having steaks. I often invite John to my place for our Sunday dinner, but he says it's tradition, one of the few we have and he doesn't want to break it. So I sit down for dinner and of course he brings out the steaks. I find myself thinking I draw comfort from this steadiness of our Sunday dinners.

"Rose told me you went out with Emma yesterday." He says. I'm not surprised, it's a small town, I'm sure everybody knows by now.

"Yes. I've been promising to take her for coffee for couple of weeks now, so yesterday we went out."

"How did it go? Did you enjoy your date?"

"It's kind of awkward to speak to you about that." I tell him and he laughs.

"Because I'm a priest? Do you have any idea how much people tell me in confessions? There's nothing that would surprise me."

"It's not because you're priest and by the way, it's not confession. It's because you're like a father to me." I notice his eyes soften at that and I know he's pleased I told him so. John loves me and I love him, it's very simple. He is like a father to me.

"Anyway," I continue, "I did have a nice evening. Of course everybody was talking behind our backs, but I wasn't expecting it any other way. I think it was harder on Emma, she's not used to being talked about."

"Rose said you did seem to be having a nice time. I'm glad, son. She is a nice girl."

"That she is." I agree.

John looks at me curiously. "You don't seem too excited."

I shake my head. "No, no, it's not that. I really had fun yesterday. I'm just not used to that."

"Of course not." He agrees and then changes the subject.

"Rose also told me two FBI agents arrived to our town yesterday."

"Really?" I ask. "I haven't seen them yet. But I suppose it makes sense."

"I've seen them in the sermon today. Nice enough people really, a bit young maybe. And that car of theirs – can you believe FBI issues Impalas now?"

"You know I'm not good with cars. What's Impalas?"

"It's a Chevrolet, big, old, black, all American car with terrible mileage."

My breath hitches at that. Big, black and old car? He's an FBI agent? He didn't look like one. Don't they wear suits or something?

"Are you talking about two guys, one roughly my height, brown hair, buzz cut and the other one really tall and big with longer hair?"

"Yes, sounds about right. Have you seen them?"

I consider telling John about Dean coming into the store, but decide not to. I've no idea why, maybe I just don't want to speak about that. John knows me too well, he might sense something.

"Yeah, they were in the coffee shop I took Emma to."

"Oh, right. Ok, so apparently they were working on the case nearby and heard about what happened to Dennis so they came over to help Sheriff Turner."

"That's nice of them." I say, but something tugs at me anyway. Isn't it strange, to just come and see what's happening?

"Yes, it is." John agrees.

"You know, Tom and I are going out for drinks today." I tell him suddenly. I forgot to tell him yesterday and I really don't have much time left before I have to go.

"Do you think it's good time for that? I mean Brian is not even buried yet…"

"That's why we do it. It's a good bye to Brian."

"I see. Well be careful son. Don't go roaming across town at night until they catch whoever did this."

"I'll be careful." I tell him, although how careful can I actually be? I mean wasn't Dennis careful? They found him in his own car… John must be thinking something similar, because the next moment he says, "You know, if you call me, I can give you a lift when you're done. Both you and Tom actually."

"No, it's ok." I tell him. He's got an early sermon tomorrow and we probably will be late anyway. I think I'll walk Tom home, because he'll be drunk and then I'll go home. We live on the opposite sides of the town, but really – it's a small town, not more than twenty minutes on foot. "He'll probably just crash at my place anyway, so we won't go wandering." I lie, but it's a good lie, because now John won't be worried.

"Ok then. But if you need, just call me, I'll pick you up, ok?"

"Yes, ok." I agree, but we both know I won't call. John has helped me enough. I will never be able to repay him for everything he did in the first days of my… arrival.

Soon after we finish the dinner I say my good byes and promise to come to church next Sunday. It's been over a month and I know I really should go, so I agree to it and it makes me happy that John is so glad about it. I don't have time to go home, but I knew I probably wouldn't so I go to "Hunter's". I remember the first time we went there. I didn't know Brian too well then and I have just met Tom once, but I thought I needed to make friends if I was going to stay here. We had so such a good time then, even with me being as I am. Both Tom and Brian got so wasted I had to drag them home and all the way they were complaining about me being sober. I wasn't really. I felt dizzy and I knew my judgment was rather poor, but I was definitely not wasted. They kept trying to get me drunk after that, but it never worked. It will today though, I plan to get really drunk.

By the time I reach "Hunter's" Tom is already there. He's sitting at one of the tables by the wall and there an unopened bottle of tequila, glass full of lime wedges, salt and couple of beers there. I come over and sit in front of him.

"Hi." I say. "Sorry it took a bit longer at John's."

"It's ok." He nods. "Tequila's fine?"

"Yeah." Tequila was Brian's favorite and I knew we'd be drinking it. I open my beer and we clink our bottles.

"To Brian." He says.

"To Brian." I echo.

We drink and I see he's barely holding up. There are no words I can offer him, so I just open the bottle of tequila and pour the shots. We each take lime and salt and we drink again thinking of him. It continues like that for a while, couple of hours really. Neither of us speak much, we're both lost in our thoughts. I think about all the things Brian has taught me. I've only knew him for such a short time, but I have so many good memories of him and of all three of us. We've drank two thirds of the bottle and I see Tom is starting to get drunk. He sighs heavily as he pours us our next shots.

"I fucking miss him." He says.

"I know." I agree. "For crying out loud, I've only known him for few months and I miss him. It must be torture for you. He always said you were like his brother…"

"Yeah, I knew that son of the bitch my entire life. Did he ever tell you I got him his prom date?"

I smile at that and shake my head.

"Yeah, I did. He was such a geek you know? He used to tell you that you were one, but really it takes one to know one!" He laughs and I join in. "So I asked Mindy to prom. Mindy Jones, you know? Except you probably know her as Mindy Turner, Sheriff's daughter-in-law. So anyway, I asked her and she said yes. She was such a beautiful girl! I mean she's a fine looking woman now, but back then she was a girl of my dreams. I was so damn lucky she said yes! Right, so I told Brian Mindy Jones was going to prom with me and the look on his face was priceless. He literally dropped his jaw! I knew he didn't invite anyone, because he was scared shitless. He told you he was a ladies' man no doubt, but he really wasn't."

I laugh again. Brian did tell me he had a way with women, he even told me he'd teach me someday, but from what I've seen he's been even more awkward than I. At least I'm not afraid of women.

"So the next day I come to Mindy and I'm like 'Hey, Mindy, how 'bout that friend of yours, Sarah, is she going to the prom with someone?' and she glares at me. I realize how this may sound so I go on 'I mean I've got this friend, Brian you know… He's really into her." The way he tells the story, I can almost see teenage Tom and teenage Mindy in front of me and I laugh loudly.

"And she's goes 'oh, I don't know… Sarah's not going with anyone, but that Brian is such a weirdo…' and I'm like 'come on girl, he's awesome!'"

We're both laughing now and it's as if Brian is right here with us.

"So anyway," he continues when we calm down a little, "I convinced her, she convinced her friend and when I told Brian about it, the fool yelled at me for meddling. Such an idiot! He went out with Sarah for two year after that, can you imagine?"

I can. I lift my shot and I say, "To Brian!" We clink and we drink and we both feel better.

"I'm gonna get us another bottle." I tell him because we're almost out and I don't feel drunk. As I stand up my head spins a little and I'm relieved – I mean I've drank half a bottle of tequila and five beers! I should be drunk. As I stumble towards the bar, I hear Tom laugh at me and I'm glad, because it's really what it's all about. We need to let him go and we need to move on as well.

I stumble to the bar.

"Jack," I call to the bartender, "we need another bottle."

"One sec." He replies and as he moves towards me I notice the customer he's been pouring bourbon to. I look at him and he looks at me. I know I'm drunk because I find it difficult to stay in my place – all I want to do is go over there and I don't know… speak to him. Our eyes fix on each other and really, I just can't stop looking at him. Jack puts the bottle in front of me and I finally tear my eyes from Dean to Jack.

"Thanks." I mutter. "Couple of beers too.'

"You're ok with lime?" He asks me and I nod.

"Neither of us really likes lime." I confess.

"Ok. Here you go."

I take my bottles and I don't look at Dean. I walk back to our table and I don't look at him. I sit down and I don't look at him, because this night is about Brian. It's also about Tom and me and our friendship. We will either make it or not and I can't think about anything else right now, not about Dean really, because he takes my all attention and I can't have it now. So I don't look at him and I don't think about him. And I really don't, except sometimes I can almost feel his gaze bore into me and I want to look at him so much I have to clench my fists to stop myself.

As we drink more and more, Tom becomes more talkative. He tells me stories about his and Brian's childhood and teen years and we laugh a lot. I tell him about the time I drove Brian's car into the ditch and how much grief he gave me for that. Brian was teaching me how to drive and I was distracted by Emma waving at me as we went by and I didn't notice I was driving off the road. To my defense, Brian didn't either; we were both looking at Emma. Tom laughs hard and long at that and I laugh with him and it feels good.

"You know, next Sunday I'm teaching you to drive." Tom says suddenly. He's serious and he looks me straight in the eye as he says it. I feel so grateful I feel a lump in my throat. I know this is his attempt to stay friends with me and I like him so much for that.

"Thanks." I mutter, because I don't trust myself with words anymore. He nods and grins at me. "You better not drive my car into the ditch or I'll kill you! And we're staying clear from Emma's house!"

We laugh at that and drink up. We drink some more and Tom puts Brian's favorite song on and tells me about the time Brian's dad took them fishing but then glowered at them because they couldn't sit still for more than two minutes. There are so many stories like that and we exchange them, mostly Tom does, and we laugh and drink to Brian again and again.

We've almost gone through half of the second bottle when Tom goes to the bathroom. I sit back and close my eyes for a second. I feel pleasantly dizzy and my head is turning slightly. Nothing unmanageable really and I feel really good.

"Hey." I hear his voice and I take a deep breath to steady myself before I open my eyes.

"Hello Dean." I say and there's a flicker of something in his eyes.

"Sorry to butt in, just wanted to ask if you're working tomorrow."

I frown at that. Why would he want to know that?

"I'm covering afternoon, why?"

"It's just… Look man, I'm from FBI and you were friends with one of the victims so I have to ask you some questions." He says. I look at his eyes a little longer and I can't shake the feeling he's lying. It's a strange thing to think of, but I do anyway.

"Yeah, alright." I finally mutter and I know I'm agreeing not because I want to be questioned, but because it's an excuse to see him tomorrow and I really do want to see him tomorrow. I keep looking at him and he just stands there, saying nothing. "I'll be there from 3 pm." I tell him just to say something.

"Ok." He nods and then says out of nowhere. "Don't drive under influence."

I smile at him startled.

"I don't drive."

He frowns at that.

"Are you walking home? I mean it's not safe to be walking alone. Whoever murdered those people might still be out there."

I tilt my head as I stare at him curiously. He actually sounds worried. So I tell him the same lie I gave John.

"It's ok, I'll just go with Tom."

He looks at me and I'm sure I can see distress on his face.

"Do you live nearby?" He asks carefully.

"I think he'll just crash at my place." I tell him and there's definitely relief in his face. How odd is that? He actually acts as if he cares. And really, I'm drunk, because I say: "Why do you care?"

I look at him and I see him pulling back. Not physically, he's rooted to the spot, but I can see him pull back and close up nevertheless.

"Hazards of the job." – He says silently and I nod. Of course, what else could that be? Just because I'm weirdly hung up on him doesn't mean he is too. And it makes me sad, but it also makes me angry at myself. What on Earth am I thinking of? I don't know the guy, he's going to be off in couple of days and by the looks of it, he doesn't give a damn!

"Well thank you very much for the warning, agent." I say coldly, because that's the only way I can think of to pull myself together once and for all. "I think I'll manage to take care of myself."

He drops his gaze and I turn away from him. By the corner of my eye I can see him standing there, but I say nothing more, because what is there to say.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow." He mutters and walks away.

"What was that all about?" Tom asks as he sits down. His voice is all slurry.

I shake my head trying to clear it.

"Nothing much." I tell him and raise my shot. "To Brian!"

We drink up and frown at the taste of lime.

"Why the hell did he ever like lime is beyond me." Tom growls and we both laugh again. That's what so good with being drunk – you're easily distracted. And I want to be distracted now. I want to think of Brian and Tom and me and I really don't want to think about special agent Dean Winchester, because honestly, what's the point?

We carry in like that, drinking and laughing and telling stories until Tom can barely speak anymore. He's very drunk and I know I'll have to walk him home. I was planning to do so, so no big deal, but by the looks of it, I'll have to carry him if we don't stop this now. We're almost out of tequila anyway, so I just go to the bar and pay our bill. I know Dean is still here, but I don't look at him, despite feeling his eyes on me. I'm actually proud of myself, I haven't looked at him once since he left our table. Jack wishes me good night and asks me if I need a ride. I tell him the same lie, because I know we're in Dean's earshot. Finally, I scoop my very drunk friend, wrap my arm under his and we stagger to get outside. When we're finally out, I instantly feel better. The cool air is good for me and it makes it easier to focus.

"Tom, you wanna go to my place and crash on the couch?" I ask him but he shakes his head.

"Nah. Just let go of me, I'll find my way home." He slurs.

"Yeah, ok." I tell him and start walking towards his home. "Where are your keys?"

He fumbles his hand inside his pocket and pulls them out. I take them and he whines in protest, but doesn't seem to be able to form the thought so he just drops it. It takes us a long time to get to his home, because if we walk a little faster, hue fumbles a lot and I have to almost carry him. So we walk slowly, deliberately. It's around two in the morning, but I'm not in a hurry, because Mark gave me half of the day off and I'll have enough time to sleep.

When we finally reach his house, I lean him against the wall and open the door. I walk him inside and lead him to his bedroom. I take off his jacket as he sways. I think he's already half asleep, because he doesn't mind me taking of his sweater and pushing him onto bed. I pull of his boots and cover him with the blanket. Then I go to his kitchen and pour him a big glass of water. I know he'll need it tomorrow. Finally, I walk away.

**On a separate note - have your heard Linkin Park's Castle of Glass? How's that not a perfect Dean's song? I mean not for this fic, granted, but overall, for me it's such a Dean song! :)**

**L.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Attacks

**Hi Guys! I'm back with the new chapter. This one has significantly more Dean in it and let's face it - more Dean, more fun! :)**

**In last chapter I wanted to show the life Cas (ahem, I should say Emmanuel though...) managed to create when his center of attention was not Dean. I actually liked describing it, liked painting his relationships with different people. But it is a Destiel story and I really love Cas (Em, dammit!) and Dean, so it's time to move on ;)**

**Hope you like, as always, please let me know what you think!**

**Enjoy, L.**

Chapter 4 – Attacks

Sunday night

It's a warm night and I enjoy the walk back home. It usually takes me around twenty minutes, but today I'm not in a hurry, so I think I'll make it in half an hour. I enjoy the feeling of warm wind against my face, it's sobering me up. It's weird how I'm still not that drunk. I mean I'm not sober, that's for sure, but compared to Tom I'm really almost good to drive. Thinking about driving reminds me Tom will teach me now that Brian can't anymore and the thought of Tom's effort makes me smile. For the first time I think we might be ok, we might survive this if we both try and Tom is already trying so I will too.

I'm almost at home now, I took the shortcut through the park and I'm almost out of the park when I hear a branch snap behind me. I turn to see what's there, but I can't see anything. I'm not scared really and that surprises me. I mean shouldn't I be scared? There's something out there killing people and it dawns on me how stupid it had been to walk alone into the park in the middle of the night. I scowl at myself, but the fear doesn't come anyway.

"Well hello, gorgeous!" I hear the voice suddenly and I whirl around to see who that is. The voice is definitely feminine, sweet even and utterly unfamiliar to me. She walks out of the shadow of the tall tree and I see it's a beautiful woman. She's very pale made paler still by the moonlight, she's got dark shadows under her eyes and her lips are blood red. I think it's a lipstick, because people don't have lips that red. She smiles at me and walks closer. She's tall and lean, but her figure is very feminine. "Aren't you a treat?" She smiles seductively.

"Hello." I hear myself say. I'm a bit surprised really, it's odd to meet a stranger, woman nonetheless, in the middle of the park so late at night.

"I was getting so disappointed, you know?" She all but purrs. "No one wondered down here for such a long time…"

"Where you waiting for someone?" I asked confused.

"Oh, that I was… And here you are, so gorgeous, so delicious…"

"I'm sorry, I think you've got me confused with someone." I tell her confusedly. This is so odd, no one I know acts this way. As I look at her, she comes so close we're almost touching.

"No, no, gorgeous. No mistake, you'll do just fine…"

And suddenly she pushes me and I hit the tree behind me with such force it punches the breath out of me. My mind whirls and I try to wrap it around what's happening. She can't be that strong, it's not possible. She's right against me again and I see she's changing. And suddenly it's like a slow motion. I see how her face elongates, her features becoming sharp but still weirdly distorted. Her eyes roll deeper into her skull, making the shadows beneath them even more prominent. Her mouth seems to grow wider and bigger and even redder than before and her teeth grow longer and sharper. It's nothing like the movies about the vampires where fangs suddenly grow, but the features of the face remain the same. No, all of her teeth seem to grow slightly and they all sharpen. Even her hands change, her fingers grow bonier and her nails sharpen. I think I must be in shock, because I still don't feel fear. My back hurts from where I hit the tree, but all the rest is absolutely fine. I brace myself for the fight that I know is eminent and even thought I have no idea what to do, I know I'll do my best to fight the creature in front of me. I don't have time to wonder what she is, and really, it doesn't matter much.

The creatures growls at me and tries to bite into my neck. I shift at the last second and I'm right behind her. She tries to grab me by the neck, but I pull back again. This time I'm not as successful and I feel the claw scratching my face right below my left eye. It hurts, but I don't know how bad it is and I don't let myself think about that. I can see the smell of my blood frenzies the creature and it attacks again, with renewed force. I try to duck, but she grabs me and slams me at the tree again. I marvel at its strength as I try to think of the way out. She tears a gash into my abdomen with her claws and I hiss at the pain ripping through me. I hit her right in the face, but she doesn't even flinch. Instead she laughs at me and slams me into the tree again. My head is getting woozy, but I try to stay focused as I punch her again and again. She launches at me and suddenly I'm pinned to the ground. She growls as she readies herself for the first bite and I have time to wish there was something I could do to kill her. She killed Brian and the fact that I can't avenge his death angers me more than the thought of my own death. I'm on a borrowed time anyway, I was supposed to die in that lake. I don't know why I'm so sure, but I am and so my death doesn't scare me that much, but I wish I could've done more. I don't seize trying to get her off me, I hit her again and again as she lowers her mouth to my neck. I realize those are my last moments but I don't stop fighting and suddenly she's yanked of me. I can't see what's happening, but I can hear her screech and I'm sure it's pain I hear. I'm disoriented as I stumble to my feet to see Dean drive a knife into her chest, where the heart should be. The taller man is pinning her to the ground and muttering something. She screams her pain and fear into the night, convulses and then finally she stills. I stumble to get closer to them, but my back and my stomach hurts a lot and I fall to my knees. I hate being this weak, I want to do something, but it takes all I have to stay conscious in this pain. Dean turns to me then, sees me kneeling there and runs to me, grabs my arms to hold me still.

"Did she bite you?" His voice is urgent and feverish. He's staring at me and shaking me slightly. "Dammit, did she bite you?"

"No." I mutter and flinch painfully. "She's got nails, that one…"

I know there's relief in his face as he exhales and rests his forehead against mine. He's so solid and strong, holding me like that. He kneels with me for some time until the tall man clears his throat and Dean pulls back a little. I don't like that guy right now… Dean turns to him.

"I'll take him home Sammy," he says, still holding me, "you take care of this one."

"Yeah, ok." The taller one agrees, but I see he's worried when he looks at me. It's not me he worries about, it's Dean and for the first time I wonder who they really are.

Dean stands up and he's dragging me up with him. He wraps his arm just below my arms and I lean on him.

"Can you walk?" He asks silently, softly and I nod. "Ok, good. Where do you live?"

I try to focus, but it's hard. It's not hard because I'm drunk or in pain, but it's hard because the feeling of him so close to me is distracting. I focus on the pain and my head clears.

"I live right there, you can see my home from here." I tell him and I attempt to get free of his hold. "You don't need to help me, I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, you said that already."He growls and tightens his hold on me. "You also said you won't be wandering on your own."

"Change of plans." I mutter.

"You stupid son of the bitch!" He growls at me. "You would be dead now if we haven't showed up!"

"Who are you?" I ask suddenly, because I want to know and I have to change the subject. He's mad at me and somehow it makes me uneasy.

Dean starts walking towards my home, holding me tightly at his side.

"FBI."

"That's a lie." I tell him flatly and he looks at me curiously. Finally he rolls his eyes and nods.

"Fine, that's a lie. We're hunters; we hunt things like the one that just attacked you."

"There are more?" I ask and he laughs bitterly. "Believe me, you don't want to know."

"What was it?" I ask, we're close to my home now and I'm getting urgent.

"It's called Aruda." He says. "It's a hybrid of sorts. It can spend the life living as a human, but if it ever succumbs to its desire for human flesh, there's no turning back."

"It killed Brian." I say evenly. It hurts to think about it and it makes me angry. I would have liked to kill it.

"They usually travel in pairs, so your friend was either killed by this one or the other we have yet to find."

"So it's not over yet?" I ask him and he shakes his head.

"Listen, you've got to be careful now." He speaks quickly and feverishly. "The other one might have seen what happen and if it did, you'll be its target. You can't go walking alone at night."

"Ok." I tell him, but I lie and somehow I think he knows I lie. I mean I work till late, what am I supposed to do, fly home from work? "This is my home."

"Ok, where's your key?" He asks and I think that not more than half an hour ago I asked Tom the very same question. Could it have been only half an hour? I dig my keys out of the pocket he snatches them and opens my front door. He walks me in and I stop. I think he'll leave now, but he just looks at me surprised.

"What?"

"Aren't you leaving?" I ask him perplexed. He's such a confusing man, really.

"What and leave you? Look at you, man! You need to take care of those wounds. I might even have to drive you to the fucking hospital!"

"You're taking your job too seriously." I tell him, remembering why he cares. "I can take it from here."

"It's not my job, you fool." He hisses at me and drags me to the kitchen. "Where's your goddamn light switch?"

I turn on the light with my free hand and we both blink from the intense light. He drags me to the kitchen table and helps me sit on it. Finally he releases me and looks around.

"You sit still, ok?" He growls and continues. "Where's your first aid kit? And does it have peroxide?"

"It's in the bathroom, second door to the left." I tell him. "I don't know about the peroxide. John gave me the first aid kit, but I never used it."

"Who's John?" He asks me as he walks to find the first aid kit.

"Father John Meyers." I reply.

"The catholic priest?" He asks and he's back with the kit. He's nothing but efficient.

"Yes, that's him. He said he saw you in the sermon today. Well he said he saw two FBI agents with black, old, American car, so I figured."

"Yeah, we went to the church. Regular drill, you see almost everyone in the church. You weren't there."

"No, I'm not much of a churchgoer."

"Wait, did you say Meyers?" He asks suddenly and he stops putting the bottles and band aids on the table as he looks at me. "Aren't you Meyers?"

"Yes and yes." I agree, but I don't say anything else.

"Relative of yours?"

"My father." I say and I'm distracted by him standing too close to me again. He's at the arms length, right in front of me and he looks at me so intently. I think people feel this way about me, when I stare at them from inside of their bubble. Then again they might not, because what I'm feeling about him is definitely not something I have ever felt.

"Your father's catholic priest?" He cocks his eyebrow. "Are you an orphan or something?"

"You can say so." I agree distractedly.

"You're a mystery, Emmanuel." He says suddenly and I smile. "Coming from a hunter of supernatural beings…"

He laughs at that and I laugh with him and it feels good until my stomach wound starts bleeding again and I hiss.

"Yeah, right, we need to take care of those." Dean is all serious again. "Take off your shirt."

"What?" I mumble.

"Well I can't see the wound with the remains of your shirt still on. Take it off."

I don't like this, but I obey nevertheless. He looks at me and I can't help but think he's appraising me and I think I'd blush if I hadn't loss so much blood. I can see him focus on the wound at last. He cleans it with the peroxide thoroughly, even though I jerk back when the chemical first touches me. He's methodical in his work, he doesn't let anything distract him. I, on another hand, am nothing but distracted. I look at him patching me up and all I can think of the way his hands, that drove the knife into the creatures heart, are so gentle on my skin. His fingers are warm as they move expertly against my wound and I wonder how is it it doesn't even hurt. Once my wound is cleaned he examines it thoroughly.

"I don't think you need stitches, you should be ok with the bandages. You will have the scar though."

"I don't care about that." I tell him once I find my voice and he smiles softly. I like this smile, it's familiar to me although it shouldn't be. He puts a bandage on me and to do so he's suddenly so close to me, we're almost hugging. My breath halts at that and I freeze entirely. He's focused though and soon enough he leans back again. I start breathing again, very much aware of the reactions of my body.

He looks at the gash below my eye and frowns.

"This one I don't like." He says. "It doesn't need stitches, but it doesn't look good. Maybe couple of stitches though, to make it less visible."

He starts working on it and I realize he's between my legs, his face is inches from me and I really can't take it any longer. His closeness makes me restless and it's taking all I have not to move. I don't know if I would move back or if I would grab him and pull him even closer and this makes me sit as still as I can. And I am still until finally I feel his thumb brush lightly just below the gash. Before I can stop myself, I lean into that touch and he's cupping my face with his hand. I hear his breath hitch and I stop breathing all together. I look at his eyes and I realize they're so clouded that they are almost all brown. He's looking at my lips, still holding my face and I want to close this small gap between us so much it actually hurts. I want to taste him and I want to know if it's the same as with Emma although already I know it's not, because the way he's holding me already makes me much more excited and anxious than the kiss I shared with Emma.

"Fuck it!" He growls suddenly and his lips are finally on mine. It's a small kiss really, just a brush across my lips, but it ignites me. I can feel fire raging in the pit of my stomach and I all but spring to life. He's already pulling back, when my hands dart out n their own accord and grab his hips, pulling him back and now I kiss him. I don't have much experience, none really, but it's such an instinct that experience seems benign. My lips move against his and the tip of my tongue tastes his lips, coaxing them to open. I can hear him growl, it's low and guttural, but he opens his mouth for me and I slide my tongue in, tasting him for the first time. His warm and wet mouth tastes of bourbon and mint and most of all it tastes of him. My body starts to shiver with the intensity of the feelings I tried to hold and I examine his mouth, every nook of it until he's panting slightly. It's so overwhelming, the reaction of my body to him, the need I have for him, the desire to touch him and taste him and have him. I can't control it, I can't keep it in. I cling to him, licking and sucking and simply tasting him until we're both breathless. I trail the kisses across his jaw to his neck and I suck on it. He moans and that sound makes me want him so much. I'm so hard in my pants it's almost painful. I bite into the soft flesh of his neck and he moans again, except this time he moans a name and I jolt back, because it's not my name. I realize his arms are around me then and I struggle to get free. At first he doesn't let go, but I push and shove at him and finally he loosens his grip and I climb down from the table and move back couple of steps, to distance myself from him, to clear my head.

He looks at me perplexed, but then I see it dawns on him and he drops his gaze. "Shit, I'm sor…"

"No." I interrupt, because I don't want to hear this. I'm so angry with myself, furious really. What was I thinking?! "Don't say anything. Just… go."

"Emmanuel, I…" He starts again, but I stop him.

"No." I rub at my eyes because I really can't look at him anymore. I'm hurt and angry and it's all my fault. "Look, I'm really grateful for your help and everything, but please, just go."

He stays silent for a long while and finally I have to look at him. I see guilt in his eyes and it's too much to bear. I don't want to see guilt, I don't need his guilt.

"Dean, just get out." I hiss at him. I go to the front door then and open it. I don't look at him anymore, I don't want to meet his eyes again, because there's nothing he can say or do really, I just made a huge mistake.

He brushes past me and just before I close my door he mutters, "Lock up, ok? And be careful."

I close the door and I lock up. And then I slide down to the ground, my back pressed to the door. I feel so pathetic it's absurd. What the hell was I thinking? He told me I reminded him of someone and I've known he's been hurt by the loss so why the hell did I do that? I mean granted, he started it, but I knew it's not me he wanted, so why did I do that? Why did I let myself get entangled in this feeling? And most of all, why does it hurt so much to be rejected by the man I don't even know?

My body starts to shiver, but I'm not cold. I think I'm finally going into shock, because my teeth start to clatter and I wrap my arms around my knees to steady myself. I can still feel him on my swollen lips and it makes me so sad I want to scream. I want him, I can't deny this anymore, and at the same time I know I can't have him.

I know I shouldn't, but I let my thoughts drift to the feeling of his lips on me and my stomach twists into a tight and burning knot again. There was nothing comfortable about the kiss, it was pure energy and desire and most of all fire. Emma's comfortable and I like her, but Dean… He is... emotions and passion and need so strong it crushes me. It's so wrong to want him, so wrong on many levels. He's a man to start with and I don't know if I'm ok with wanting a man. I mean I know I won't have him, that much is crystal clear, but am I attracted to men now? I never was, I don't think I've ever even seen anyone I was attracted to. I'm attracted to Emma, my body reacts to her, so I just don't know. I know John would never approve me having a relationship with a man and although he's not my father I still want his approval.

How did I get myself into this? Really, how? Here I sit in the middle of the night like a confused teenager, agonizing over my own sexuality. Am I not too old for that? And all because of my poor judgment and misplaced attraction.

I take couple of deep breaths and I feel the tension start to drain out of me. It might as well be that I overthink things – I mean really it was just a kiss for crying out loud. And he had just saved my life, maybe that's just it? I'm drunk and I almost got killed, it might as well be I misjudged my attraction. It sounds a lot like a lie to myself, but I can't think about it anymore or I'll go mad. So I stand up, flinching at the dull ache in my back and much more pressing and sharper ache in my stomach. I walk to my small bedroom and climb into my bed, kicking my shoes off but not bothering to pull my jeans off. I'm scared the sleep won't come with so much running through my head, but it really is the matter of minutes until I drift to unconsciousness.


	5. Chapter 5 - Day After

**Hi Guys! Here's the latest chapter. It's a bot long, but I hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :)**

**As always, thanks for reading and let me know what you think!**

**L.**

Chapter 5 - Day after

Monday

I've got too much free time and I don't know what to do with myself. I only have to be at work at three and I've been up for three hours already and still it's just 11 am. I've cleaned up, changed my bed sheets because they are covered in blood from my jeans that I didn't bother to take off, changed my bandage, because apparently I had a restless night and my wound opened up and bled through. I think I should go to see doctor Tucker so he can have a look at the wounds, but I don't know how to explain them and how to explain why I didn't come to him straight away. My cheek doesn't look too bad, but it seems she hit me strong enough to leave the shiner underneath the bruise and I actually look beaten up. I can hide the stomach wound and the ache in my back that feels even worse today, but I can't hide my face so I have to come up with an excuse. 'I fell' is all I've got for now, but it sounds so lame I can almost hear Brian snickering at that. It'll have to do though and since a lot of people saw me getting drunk yesterday, I even think it'll be plausible. I called Tom couple of minutes ago to check on him. He sounded groggy and he's definitely not in the best shape. I didn't get any hangover and Tom said he hated me when I told him as much. I know he doesn't though and I feel sorry he isn't doing so good. I ask if he needs me to come over and help him with something, but he says he only wants to sleep and doesn't need anything.

So now I sit at my kitchen table with my second cup of coffee and I'm out of excuses not to think about him. I'm so embarrassed I want to hide at home so I don't see him again. In all fairness I don't think I'll see him again, because why would I? He said he'd come over at work, but that was when I thought he was an FBI agent and he probably thought I was possible suspect. None of this is true anymore so there's really no reason for him to be there. He must understand I wouldn't want to speak to him after what happened last night and I can't really help his investigation anymore. Yet the thought of never seeing him again, although soothing in embarrassment department is agonizing on its own. Despite of my own stupidity or maybe because of it, I want to see him again. I can't stop thinking about him, about the way his eyes darted to my lips when I leaned into him, about the way he tasted when I dipped my tongue into his warm mouth for the first time, about the way his arms tightened around me and most of all about the way he growled and moaned at my touch. But I also can't stop thinking about the way he moaned that name. Cas. It bothers me that I actually feel jealous about this unknown Cas. It's so stupid I want to scowl at myself. What the hell is wrong with me? How can I be so hung up on this guy only two days after I first saw him? It's so not like me… It took me almost a month to get Emma on a date, but this… what is it? Obsession maybe? Well this thing is happening so fast and it's so intense I'm at the loss of how to handle it. I have to stop this now. I can't let myself become even more hung up on him or I'll really get hurt. This is when I realize what I have to do.

"Hi Emma." I say when she picks up her phone.

"Em!" She replies enthusiastically and I can't help but smile at that. "What a surprise! I thought you'd be in comma like state now, from what I heard about your night!"

That surprises me. I'm pretty sure no one except for Dean and that other one, I think he called him Sammy, saw what happened yesterday.

"Why?" I ask her carefully.

"Oh, you know, Jack told me you guys cleared his tequila stash clean!" She laughs and I join in.

"It was a small stash." I tell her seriously after a moment and we laugh again. It's so comfortable with her, so easy.

"Anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to dinner tomorrow? I work until eight, so I know it's gonna be late, but you know…" I trail off.

"Sure." She says at once and I smile again. "Got something in mind?"

"Well I think it's gonna be too late for cooking, but I don't know, we could grab some take out maybe and come to my place? Or we could eat at Del's if you like. It's a bit crowded though."

She's hesitant for a moment.

"I'd like to come to your place, but I think there'll be too much talking if I do." She says at last and I understand she's probably right. It's really a very small town we live in.

"Yeah, ok, Del's then?" I ask her.

"Sounds great." She agrees. "You know, I think I'll meet you there so you don't have to go all the way to my home. It'll be quicker that way."

"I don't mind picking you up." I tell her, but I know she's right.

"No, it's all good. How 'bout we meet there at nine? Will you make it?"

"Yes, that's sounds good."

"Great."

"Ok, I'll see you then." I tell her and I hang up the phone. I close my eyes for a minute and I can't help but think it's too easy or else just not enough… I stop myself from going that way though by jumping up from the bed. I have to go for a run and clear my head. I still have enough time before I have to go for work and jogging helps me to relax and just not think about anything. So I quickly change into my running clothes and shoes and turn on the iPod Tom and Brian gave me for my pretend birthday. It's funny, really, how we came up with my birthday when I had to fill in the request for my temporary papers. Brian insisted I had to have a lucky birthday, so he came up with the month and Tom came up with the day. Only after I registered them they told me they were the respective month and day each of them had sex for the first time. They laughed their heads off when they told me this, even though I scowled at them. So now I turn it on and go for a run with Linkin Park bellowing in my head so loudly I can't hear my own thoughts.

/\/\/\

When I reach my work I am late. That's the first time I am ever late, having worked here for over four months now. I hate the fact I'm late, but I hate that I'll have to lie about why I'm late even more. And it's really such a stupid reason when I think of it! What the hell was I thinking? I mean granted, I never had wounds before that I remember of, but surely I had to realize jogging would open my stomach wound! But no, I really haven't even thought about it. It hurt a little at first, but I didn't pay it much attention. My back was sore too, but I ignored that as well. Until finally I actually saw the blood seeping through my T-shirt. What an idiot! So I had to walk back and I was pretty far away when I noticed the thing… And then the whole ordeal of cleaning the wound and bandaging it when I can barely bend took me so much time that now I'm late. And it's not like I can run to work, now I know that's no good!

I walk in to the store to find Mark standing there, his brow furrowed. My first thought is he's angry, but the tone of his voice says otherwise.

"Dammit, boy!" He growls. "Where have you been? I've been calling you!"

"Sorry Mark." I mutter.

"Sorry my ass! I was worried about you! After what happened to Dennis and Brian I thought whoever did that might have gotten you!"

Mark is not only my boss. He's best friends with John and I know he cares for me. He's older than John, in his late sixties, and he's a lot like an uncle to me. That's why he teaches me carpentry and that's why I work such a long hours – he's almost like a family. And so instantly I feel sorry I made him worried.

"Sorry." I repeat.

"I thought you were still wasted when you didn't show up at three, but when you didn't even pick up the phone! And what the hell happened to your face?"

I shrug and try to look embarrassed.

"As you say, I got wasted yesterday and well… The step got me."

He looks at me for a longer while and the nods.

"Are you ok at least?" He asks finally.

"Yeah, I'm all good, it's just stupid. I don't get wasted often and this is the reminder why."

"Maybe you should go home? You might have a concussion or something."

"No, I'm really ok Mark. And thanks for the morning off, I needed to sleep in."

"I overwork you… You know what, I think I should at the very least give you Saturdays off." He says determinedly, but I shook my head. Too much free time is not what I need, not now anyway.

"No, I like it here, you know that. I don't mind working Saturdays, really."

He looks at me puzzled.

"In my days, when a guy got himself a girl, he'd be happy to have more time off…"

"We went on one date." I tell him seriously and I roll my eyes. So now everybody knows. "I'll keep your suggestion in mind if I actually get a girl."

"Fine, fine. She's a good girl though, do good by her."

"Should I marry her now that I've taken her for coffee?" I ask attempting to be sarcastic, but Mark deflects easily.

"You wish you were so lucky!"

We both laugh at that and Marks moves to gather his hat.

"By the way, the FBI guy came in earlier" He says as if in an afterthought, but I freeze entirely. "He wanted to ask couple of questions about Brian and Dennis. Seemed surprised not to find you here."

"Yeah, I met him yesterday; he mentioned he would step by." I tell him as evenly as I possibly can. "I suppose he got all he wanted from you then?"

"I don't know. He seemed bothered you weren't here. Got a bit anxious when I told him you were never late and I couldn't reach you."

"Why'd you say that?" I ask him and I can already foresee the problems. He'd probably come back and I really need to distance myself from him as much as possible.

"He asked." Mark says and I work to keep my face absent.

"Anyway, I don't think I can help him with any of it. If I knew who did that to Brian, I would've told Sheriff by now."

"That's what I told him." Mark nods. "I've got to go boy. You call me if you feel worse, you hear me? Concussion is a tricky bitch, I don't want you passing out here."

"I'm fine Mark." I smile at him and he huffs grumpily before he leaves.

I take a deep breath and flinch at the pain in my back and my stomach. Really, how could I have been so stupid to jog? I settle behind the counter and not long after the first customers arrive. It's a familiar pattern – they come, we talk about what's happening in town, they ask something about me, I deflect by offering to help them choose what they want, they buy it, thank me and leave. I like town people and I like this store so it's really easy to work the hours I work.

It's nearly the closing time when the bell jingles and I turn to what I'm sure is my last customer for the day, but it's not. It's Dean.

It's so much like a sentimental movie that I can't help but sigh. My eyes fix on his and I can see his face drain of tension and anxiety as he stares at me. I'm at the loss what to say, but so is he, so we just look at each other for a while longer. Finally I pull myself together and drop my gaze to the counter in front of me.

"Can I help you?" I ask and I realize those are the exact same words I told him the first time he came two days ago.

"I thought something happened to you." He says and before I can say something, he continues. "Your boss said you were never late."

"I got held up." I tell him vaguely. I want to believe there's a really worry in his voice, worry for me, but I know better so I try to ignore it all together. I try to keep my distance. "Is there something you want?"

He looks at me for a longer while now, but I don't meet his eyes. It's just too hard to look at him because I can't fend off the thoughts of his lips on me when I stare at those eyes.

"I said I'd come." He tells me evenly.

"Yes, but when you said that I thought you were from the FBI and you probably thought I was a possible suspect. None of it holds true anymore, unless you think that creature and I had a lovers' spat and she tried to munch at me."

"I don't think you're Aruda." He says. "But I do want to speak to you."

"About what?" I ask frowning.

"About last night." He says and he's coming closer to me. I'm so happy there's a counter between us. I never liked that thing more than I do now.

"I don't really have to talk to you." I tell him and he nods.

"I know, but I hope you will anyway."

"Fine." I take a deep breath and meet his eyes. "What is it you want to talk about?"

"How are you?" He asks and I'm startled by his question. "How's your wound?"

"I'm fine."

"Then why were you late?" He asks and his eyes are searching, boring into mine.

"I got held up." I repeat. "It has nothing to do with last night though and I thought you wanted to speak about that creature?"

"Come on, man!" He growls. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I hiss. I'm unexpectedly angry at him. He shouldn't be asking if I was alright, he's just messing with my head and I hate it. And most of all, I hate the way I still hope he might care about me…

He shakes his head. "Fine."

"If that's all you wanted to know, I have to finish up here." I tell him.

"That's not all." He says at once. "Listen, about last night, I'm really sorry about… you know."

I suck in a breath trying to stay focused.

"It's fine, Dean. If anything it's me who should be apologizing anyway." I reply flatly. It takes a lot off me to be able to speak so calmly about this, but I do it anyway. I have to.

"How'd you figure?" He asks perplexed.

I sigh.

"Look, I really don't want to talk about that and I don't understand what my poor judgment has to do with the creature you're trying to catch."

"Your poor judgment?" He asks slowly. "I thought it was I who kissed you."

"No, no." I tell him just as slowly. I don't look at his eyes, because I think there's still some pain in my eyes and I want to hide it from him. Hell, I'd like to hide it from me even. "You kissed whoever you thought I was. Your Cas. I should've known and it was really stupid of me to reciprocate under the circumstances. So here, I should be the one apologizing."

"Wow," he breathes, "you're really good at overthinking stuff…"

I snap my head up and glare at him. I'm so angry now I feel I could burst. Who does he think he is? Fine, what I did was epically stupid, but he has no right to make fun of me.

"If mocking is all you've got to say, I think you should go." I hiss at him and he recoils slightly.

"Come on! I'm not mocking you, you just surprised me! I mean I thought you'd be pissed at me for yesterday…"

"Why would I be angry?" I ask him, but I'm still angry, because it's such a joke for him. I try to pull myself together though. I don't want to talk about any of this anymore and it really would be better for me if he just left. "It's nothing really. Just a mistake. Look, if that's all, I have to start closing up."

"How are you getting home?" He asks me unexpectedly.

"What do you mean? It's ten minutes walk." Honestly, he's so confusing at times.

"So you were going to walk home alone again? After what happened yesterday?" I can see he's angry.

"Well what did you think I'd do? Fly home?"

He rolls his eyes at me.

"Where's your car?"

"I don't drive yet." I tell him and shake my head. "Brian's been teaching me, but… I don't have my permit yet, but Tom will help me get it."

"Who's Tom?" He asks.

"My friend. You saw him yesterday, at Hunters'"

"Ok. I'll take you home." He says out of nowhere.

"What?"

"You close up and I'll take you home." He repeats as if I'm a slow child.

"Why?"

"Because you can't go alone. I mean am I talking a different language here? The thing is likely looking for you! Do you want another round with it? Did you like the first one?" He's really angry now.

"You don't have to do this." I tell him silently. I probably shouldn't be surprised. He said he's a hunter, he helps people so no wonder he wants to help me, but it's strange for me nevertheless. I barely know him and it's already complicated, I don't want to get in deeper.

"Fuck it Emmanuel! I do have to. I won't let it get you, you hear me?"

"Em. You can call me Em, given that you saved my life once and attempting to do it again."

He stares at me for a long while and I think he's trying to get his temper under control. Finally he hisses. "Fine, Em that is."

And all of the sudden I feel like smiling. It's funny, really, how unhinged I am, but I can't help it when my lips twitch up.

"You can sit there while I finish up." I tell him with a slight smile and he gives me a puzzled look. I understand that look, I mean I don't get myself either. I think it has to do with him wanting to help me – I'm so pleased he cares enough to do that, even though I know his reasons are not what I'd like them to be. Anyway, it's definitely not something I'd like to speak to him about, so I just shrug and go about my work. He doesn't go to sit; instead he roams around the store looking at things as if he's actually shopping. I finish up, put the things in order and put the 'closed' sign on. I put my jacket on, but I wince visibly as I do that. My back is really sore, even more so than my stomach. And just like that he's right here, in front of me.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine." I tell him and take a step back. As always his closeness affects me more than I care to admit. There's that ball of fire in the pit of my stomach again and it intensifies as he grabs my wrist and pulls me back closer to him.

"Hey…" I start to protest, but he cuts me off.

"Speak to me Em. What's wrong? Do you need me to take you to the doctor? Dammit I think I should've done that yesterday!"

"I'm ok Dean. Really, everything's fine, just a bruise I suppose."

"You're sure?" He asks, but I can't answer because he presses his forehead against mine and I really can't breathe anymore. It's so wrong the way I want him, the way I have to keep myself rooted the spot, the way I consciously don't allow my arms to wrap around him, the way I freeze in his proximity. And yet it feels so right, the way I want him. I don't answer him still, because I think if I move at all, speaking is not something I'll do.

He pulls back a little to look me in the eye and I see worry there. That's is I see worry there until he takes in whatever it is I have in my eyes, because when he does, his eyes darken and his breathing hitches. He's in my bubble and my bubble is such a tense place right now it almost crackles. He looks at me a second longer and then his lips are on mine again and I lose it just like the first time. I give in to this kiss, relish in it and there's nothing I can do about it. I press myself closer to him and I can feel his arms around me, pulling at me. He licks his way into my mouth and I allow it without hesitation. The feeling of his touch, the taste of him drives every doubt away and suddenly I'm so hot and I want him so much it overwhelms me. I moan into his mouth and I hear him growl at that. He bites into my lower lip to stifle that growl and jerk slightly as the jolt of pleasure rushes through me. I feel my entire ground shake in that kiss, but he's so steady, so solid in my arms that it's still ok. I mean I'm scared more than I ever was by what this might be doing to me, but I don't have it in me to resist, not when his tongue slides across my lips, not when his nipping at my jaw and definitely not when his sucking at my neck with such force that I know I'll have a bruise there tomorrow. He kisses his way back to my lips and I'm lost in the sensations his warm and wet mouth provides.

Finally he pulls back and rests his forehead against mine.

"Dammit Em, what the fuck am I doing?" He whispers. I don't know how to answer that. My mind is reeling and I don't know what to say because really, what is he doing? What am I doing? I should be distancing myself from him, but I crave to touch him, to kiss him, to have him… It's going to end badly, I know that already. He's leaving anytime now and I'm going to stay and live with the knowledge of what could've been, what I could've had. Except I can't have it, it's not an option and it's not my choice. So I tense up and pull back again, even though all I want to do is bury my face in his neck and hold onto him.

"If you still want to give me a lift, I think we should go." I tell him. I see he's surprised by my change of direction, but I don't want to speak about it anymore. And what is there to say?

"Yeah, ok." He agrees and we walk out of the shop. His car is right in front of the shop and after I lock up I look at it appreciatively.

"I know I've said it already, but I like your car." I tell him and he chuckles.

"How's that you don't drive?" He asks.

"I don't have the license yet, I told you. I will though."

"Yes, but how can you not have a license? I mean didn't you ever want to drive?" He asks and I consider telling him about me. I don't want to though, it's too complicated.

"It's a long story." I tell him. "I like driving though, although I should probably be more careful. I drove Brian's car into a ditch once."

He laughs at that and we get into the car.

"That reminds me the time Sammy drove my car into a fence. I was so pissed at him!"

"Who's Sammy?" I ask him. I think this is what he called the tall man, but I'm not sure.

"My brother. You've seen him – he's tall as a building, hard to miss."

"That's your brother? So hunting those creatures is like a family thing?"

"You can say so." He agrees and I see he doesn't want to talk about it.

"Where is your brother now?" I ask him instead as he starts the engine.

"He's doing some research. We've got to find the second one before it attacked again."

"Shouldn't you be helping him then?" I ask because I think he should.

"Yeah, but he's good at digging. Besides, I was worried." He doesn't elaborate and I don't ask. Better to stay clear from the subjects like that.

"What else is there?" I ask him. "I mean those Arudas are probably not the only thing there is?"

"No, there are all sorts of things. Hundreds really. You name the stupidest sounding myth and it's probably true… Vampires, werewolves, demons, an…" He suddenly cuts himself off.

"What was that?" I ask him.

"Nothing. I should turn here, right?"

I know he's lying, because this town is so small it's impossible not to know where to go. I don't push him though because he doesn't have to tell me anything.

"Yes, right here." I tell him. "It's ridiculous you wanted to drive me home, it's right here…"

"Yeah, yeah, you said that already." He nods absently and pulls over in front of my house.

I look at him and I don't want to go. I really don't want him to leave because I think it's be the last time I see him.

"Thanks." I mutter and he nods dismissively. I look at him for a moment longer and then before I can stop myself I ask. "Do you want to come in?"

"I probably shouldn't." He mumbles and now I nod.

"Ok. Thanks anyway." I'm about to get out of the car when he grips my arm.

"Screw it, I want to come in." He says and I can't help but smile at him. He grins back and we both get out of the car. As we walk to my home I know it's a huge mistake I'm making, but I want to do it anyway. I'm so deep in trouble it's ridiculous and yet I let myself sink deeper. I let him in and turn the lights on.

"Make yourself at home." I tell him as he looks around, taking in the surroundings.

"How long have you been living here?" He asks.

"Three months, give or take. Why?"

"It's… very empty. I mean no offense of course, but it feels a lot like a hotel. Is there anything personal here?"

I smile at that.

"I get that a lot." I tell him. "This is my home though and there is something personal." I lead him to the shelf where my only photos stand. There are three of them.

"Here – this is Brian and I on the day I managed to drive to Tom's house without incidents." I show him the photo, where we're both standing next to Brian's car, grinning madly. "Tom took that picture for us. And this one," I point at the picture of myself and John, "is at John's. Mark took this one on the day I left John's home."

I show him the next one where I'm standing between Emma and Tom and Brian is right next to Emma. We all have arms around each other shoulders.

"This one is at Hunters'. It's a housewarming party for my home that somehow ended up in a bar. Tom and Brian got so wasted that Emma and I had to almost drag them home."

"That's the girl I saw you with at the coffee shop." He says slowly. "Your girlfriend?"

"Well, I think it takes more than one date to call someone your girlfriend." I reply and he cocks his eyebrow.

"So you've only been on one date?"

"So far." I say and I don't continue. He asks anyway.

"Will there be a second date?"

"Yes, I'm taking her out tomorrow."

"Emmanuel and Emma? That's something." He teases and I'm suddenly angry.

"Well this way we can be sure not to say the wrong name when we kiss." I hiss at him and he recoils. I regret doing it, but I'm angry with his condescending tone.

"I suppose I deserved that." He says finally. "So you like her?"

"Yes." I don't elaborate, because I do like her and I don't want to tell him I like him so differently and so much more intensively. He looks at me though, he looks at me that way, searching and concentrating and all I can think of is how much I like him, not Emma.

"And yet you respond to me in every way…" He whispers and his arm sneaks around my waist and my heartbeat fastens.

"Yes." I mutter. I don't trust myself with saying anything else and really it's kind of obvious by now how much I respond to him being right here.

"Good." He mumbles against my lips and I can taste his breath on my lips and I lick them. He groans and he crushes his lips to mine, possessively, eagerly and I respond with the same heat. We kiss as if it's the last time and for all I know it probably is and so I pour myself into that kiss and marvel in what he is and what he feels like. I clutch at him, ignoring how my sore back protest at the pressure of his arms around me or how my stomach starts throbbing dully as I press myself harder to him. I kiss him and I bite at his lip and I suck at the corner of his mouth until I get the moan I was so looking for. Suddenly I feel his hand slide under my T-shirt and I gasp at the feeling of his hands on me. He caresses my back, but when I bite into his collar bone he grips me tighter and before I can stop myself I let out the yelp of pain.

He pulls back at once and he's looking at me worried again.

"What is it Em?" He asks seriously but it's somewhat offset by the fact that his lips are swollen and glistening and that he's panting slightly and that he's cheeks are flushed.

"It's nothing, I'm fine." I tell him.

"Cut the crap, man. What the hell is wrong with you?"

I sigh at that. I suppose the moment's over.

"It's just a little bruise on my back, that's all there is."

"Let me see." He says at once, but I shake my head.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's absurd. I'm alright, ok?"

"Dammit Em, just let me see!"

I don't know where I get the guts to say what I say next, but I do that anyway. I pull my T-shirt over my head, but as I do so, I mutter.

"If you wanted to get me shirtless there was a better way of doing it. You were kind of on the way."

"You're unbelievable." He growls and he pulls me into a quick kiss, before he turns me around. He gasps at whatever he sees there. I know there's a bruise there, I can feel it, but I didn't really want to look, so I don't know how bad it is.

"Dammit! Why didn't you say something? You must be in pain!"

I turn back to face him.

"It's ok. It's a bit sore, I'm sure it'll pass in couple of days."

"Your whole back is all cuts and bruises! Did you at least take something for the pain?"

"It's not that bad."

He rolls his eyes.

"I should've taken you straight to the hospital." He says finally and I put the T-shirt back on.

"I think you did a pretty good job patching me up."

"Yeah, about that – why'd you change the bandage?"

"It started bleeding again, so I changed it." I'm so not telling him about the jogging. I know I was an idiot doing it, I don't want to hear that from him. "Listen, do you want something to drink? I don't have much, but I think I have beer. Or coffee maybe? I'm sure I've got pie."

His eyes light up at that.

"You've got pie?" He grins. "I'd like some pie!"

I laugh at his enthusiasm and he laughs with me.

"Make yourself comfortable, I'll be back in a sec."

When I bring him the pie, I find him sitting on the couch, flicking through channels.

"You don't have a decent cable I can see." He says and I grin.

"I don't have much time for TV. Here you go, it's cherry, hope you like it."

"Man, there's no pie I don't like!" He enthuses and I laugh again. He lifts up his fork, but before he can even taste it, his cell phone rings. He swears under his breath and takes out his phone.

"Dammit Sammy, this better be good." He growls and then listens for a while. "You're sure? Yeah, yeah, ok. No, I said ok." He listens again. "Fine, I'll pick you up in ten. Dammit, I said I'll pick you up. Bitch." He hangs up the phone.

"I take it your brother and you have certain way of communicating…" I tease him and he laughs. He takes a bite of the pie and looks at the rest longingly before he stands up.

"I gotta go." He says. "Sammy says he's found Aruda and from the sound of it he really did."

I look at him for a moment longer and then turn away to lead him to the door. The rush of different emotions goes through me until the last one settles. I'm worried for him, because he's got to go face that horrible creature and I want him to be safe. I'm also disappointed he's leaving because there's so much more I want to know about him. But most of all I'm just so sad I didn't get to have more time with him. I knew it was going to be brief from the start, he said it himself, he's in for couple of days but I'm really sad it was as short as this. I know it's selfish, but I wish he didn't find that Aruda and he'd stay for few more days. I don't let any of this show on my face when I look up at him, because is just not fair to him. So I just smile.

"Good luck with it." I say. "Be safe."

"I'm always safe." Dean says and I see he's surprised by my smile.

"Yeah ok." I agree and he grasps my wrists and pulls me into a kiss. I know he's careful not to hurt my back, but I wish he'd wrap his arms around me. I respond to the kiss nevertheless, same as I did so far and there's fire in it even though it feels so much of a good bye I want to yell. I kiss him again and again and I don't want to let go, until he finally pulls away and I realize it's the first time he's done it.

"I gotta go." He says again breathlessly and I nod. It hurts to let him go, but I have to so I try to do it with as much dignity as I can still muster.

"Ok." I open the door and he walks out. I see there's something else he wants to say, but it's too much of a good bye for me, so I just close the door.


	6. Chapter 6 - Second Dates

**Hi Guys! Thanks a lot for the feedback and favs, much appreciated!**

**Here you have the newest chapter of this story. It's obscenely long, but I didn't feel like splitting it into two... I suppose the next one will be shorter :)**

**And this chapter is also the first reason why the rating of this story is M, so don't get surprised ;)**

**Enjoy and as always - let me know what you think, I really like that ;)**

**L.**

Chapter 6 – Second Dates

Tuesday

I wake up with the jolt. I think I was screaming again, but as always I don't remember my dreams. I get up though, because there's no way I'm going to sleep now and it's really almost time I get up anyway. It's funny how the first thing I think of is Dean. And the second for that matter. He's all I think about as I get a shower, dress up, decide not to eat, because I'm really not hungry, and walk to work.

I open the shop and fall into my pattern, trying my best to concentrate on things happening around me rather than the thoughts of him. It's crazy how hung up I am, ridiculous.

The day passes in the blur, although I can't help but glance hopefully at any new arrival with the hope it might be him. It's not, of course. He should be long gone by now, but I just can't stop hoping.

When I finally close the shop, I see I have enough time to go home and change before my date. Now that I think of it, it was probably not a good idea to get Emma on a second date. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but really, what good can it bring? I don't feel about Emma the way I feel about Dean, it's as simple as that. Of course, he's not an option, I can't have him, but can I really settle for her after having experienced what true attraction is? And how is it fair to her?

I reach my home and change into black slacks and blue button down. I liked my white shirt better, because this blue kind of makes my eyes too bright and I don't like it. But it was ripped to pieces by that creature, so it's really not an option. When I'm done I walk to Del's and all the way I try to concentrate on Emma and not to think of him.

When I arrive there, Emma's already waiting for me. She took the furthest table there was, but the place is crowded so there's no privacy there. I don't mind too much, but I do feel sorry for Emma, she hates being so exposed.

"Hi Emma." I greet her with the smile and her returned smile warms me. She's such a nice girl, I wish I could actually like her that way.

"Em! You look great."

"Thanks." I mutter and sit down. "Did you order already?"

"Nah, I was waiting for you. I did order a bottle of wine, hope you don't mind?"

"No, not at all." I say.

"I was a bit afraid you'd sworn off drinking after Sunday." She giggles. "Tom definitely had."

I laugh.

"Yes, I can imagine. He's such a lightweight!" I laugh, nut then become serious again. "Don't tell him I said so."

"So it was housewarming all over again?"

"No, it was way worse than that." I tell her and again we laugh. Waitress comes to us then. Her name's Susan and of course we all know each other.

"Hi guys!" She chimes. "Here's your wine. Are you ready to order?"

Emma starts to say I just got in, but I stop her.

"Just bring me your special please." I tell Susan and she turns to Emma.

"I have the same."

"Great, two specials on the way!"

"So I spoke to Tom today. He says you two had a great time at Hunters'"

"Yes, we really did. I wish Brian would've been there though… I spoke to Mrs. Talbot earlier today. She says the police released his body so they're having the funeral tomorrow." I remember the awkward conversation I had with Brian's mother. She's still in so much pain, but she did sound better than the time we visited her. "I asked Mark to let me out tomorrow and he said it was ok. Will you go to the funeral?"

"Yes, my dad and I will. How could we not?"

I understand that. Emma was friends with Brian long before I was. In all honesty probably everyone will be there tomorrow. It's the small town and we all celebrate and mourn together.

"I wish they would catch the monster that did this!" She says suddenly and I want to tell her they did. But of course I can't so I just nod.

"You know, we should probably speak about something else. It's a date after all." I say to lighten the mood and Emma's lips curve into a smile.

"You're right." She agrees and looks pointedly to a bruise on my cheek. "So how are you? Mark said you fell down."

"Yes, it was stupid really… I shouldn't drink." I shrug and she laughs.

"You know it may sound stupid, but you look kind of… I don't know, ruthless with the gash like that!"

I laugh and I actually blush slightly. I know it's Emma's way to tell me a compliment and I like her for doing that.

"Perhaps I should fall more often?" I wonder and she giggles.

I tell her more about the night at Hunters' and about my work today, omitting the part where all I can think of is Dean, and she tells me about her day and about the car shop and finally about the car she wants to fix for herself. I listen politely and nod in all the right places, but my mind is not in the conversation. I hate that it's not, but I can't do anything about it. Susan brings us our dinner then and we eat and drink wine and we even laugh a lot, but it's just not good enough, whichever way I try to look at it. Finally, we finish up and I offer to get out of there, because it's getting too crowded even for me.

I walk Emma out of Del's and we decide to go for a walk in the park. It's one of those nice nights, when there's almost no wind and it's warm and pleasant. Emma entwines our fingers together as we walk and I don't pull back. She leans into me when we walk and I don't step away as well. I like the feel of her against me, it's so comforting. And when she's right here, so close to me, I don't even think about anything else. There's no ball of fire in the pit of my stomach and I don't want to grab her and kiss her and hold her, but at the same time I enjoy her proximity, because it's soothing and comfortable and I don't have to question every look and every move she makes. We walk like that in the silence for some time until I finally speak.

"I enjoy our dates." I tell her and she smiles happily at me.

"Me too. I'm glad you called. I know the whole twenty four hour thing, but I was getting anxious."

"What twenty four hour thing?" I ask her confusedly.

"Well, you know, where you don't call your date for twenty four hours if you want to carry on dating."

"I don't understand. Why don't you call if you actually want to?"

"It's like a rule, I suppose."

"I've never heard of such rule." I admit and I'm really puzzled. Who on earth would come up with the rule like that? If you want to see someone – you call.

"You're kidding right? Everyone knows twenty four hour rule."

"It's a silly rule anyway. I called you because I wanted to call you. I didn't even think if it was appropriate. I mean we're friends, aren't we? I trust you'd tell me if you didn't want me to call."

"I would. But I'm glad you called, I wanted you to. Besides, I suppose the rule is more for people who are not friends to begin with."

"Oh. Ok." I'm still puzzled. It seems utterly stupid thing to do – wait for twenty four hours to call someone, especially if that said someone is also waiting for twenty four hours for you to call. "Why didn't you call?" I ask her.

"I wanted to. I think I would have called eventually, but… Well you just did it first."

"I don't mind if you call Emma." I tell her, because I really don't.

"Good, then I guess next time I'll call you." She smiles and suddenly steps in front of me. I realize we're alone in the park, it's finally private. She wraps her arms around my waist and I pull her closer. Her eyes shine with anticipation and I wish mine would mirror hers, but I know they don't. I close my eyes so I don't reveal too much and I kiss her. I probe at her lips with the tip of my tongue and she opens her mouth eagerly. I slide my tongue in and her mouth is sweet and warm and wet, but it doesn't have the heat his mouth holds and however hard I try to focus, this kiss doesn't ignite anything in me. It's a good kiss, slow and tender and I enjoy the feeling of her tongue brushing along my upper lip and caressing my tongue, but there's no heat, no urgency I came to expect and crave from the kiss. Emma moans silently when I suck in her bottom lip and I marvel how this same sound, so sensual in its purpose and meaning does so little to me now compared to how my whole body shook when I elicited this same sound from Dean. It's not fair, this comparison, and I know it, but I can't seem to stop. When I finally pull away I can see Emma's blushing furiously, but she looks at me with such a happy smile I can't help but smile back. We start walking again, our hands clasped together. I think about how from the outside it's a beautiful date – we chat, laugh, hold each others' hands and kiss, but from the inside it's just so complicated. If I felt nothing for this girl it would've been easier, but I really like her and she's my friend, so knowing I can't reciprocate the way she probably wants is troublesome. I wish I could, I really do…

Finally I walk Emma home. I don't suggest going to my place for drinks, because I think she might have agreed and I don't want to complicate matters any more so I just walk her to her home instead. We kiss good night and it's a long and sweet kiss, but the heat doesn't come.

"I had a great time, Em." She whispers to my ear. "I hope we can do it again soon."

"I had fun too." I tell her vaguely and plant a small kiss on her cheek. "Good night Emma, I'll call you."

"Good night."

I watch her go in and she turns and waves at me before closing the door. I take a deep breath and start walking home. I have to pass the park on my way home and I sit on one of the benches there. I like the night and I like stars, so I lean back and watch them. It's so relaxing to watch the stars and realize some of them are long gone and what I see are the mere echoes of the distant past. I take comfort in the knowledge that nothing really ends, there are always impressions of the past, regardless how long ago it was. It's a somewhat uneasy thought, but it still calms me.

I sit on the bench for almost an hour, not wanting to go to my empty home, because I know I'll start thinking of him again. I do go, though, because I'm getting cold and because it's getting late.

As I'm approaching my home I can see a car parked in front of my door. At first I think it's at my neighbor's door, but as I come closer I realize it's not. With the jolt of hope, I think it's his car, but it's a bit too far away. I quicken my pace and I can see that there's someone standing, leaning against the driver's door and I know, I just know it's him and it's such a relief to see him!

I make myself slow down, to walk to him rather than run to him, but it's an effort that's costing me a lot. Finally, finally, I reach him. He stands motionless and I stand in front of him.

"Hey." He says with a small smile.

"Hi." I reply and we both look at each other for a while. Finally I ask. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know." He answers simply and I nod.

"Do you want to come in?"

"Yes."

"Ok." I tell him and I can feel my stomach twist into a tight knot. I walk to my door and he's following close by. I open the door and walk in and I can feel him right behind me. Before I get the chance to turn the lights on I hear the door click shut and his arms are around me and his lips are on the back of my neck. I shudder at his touch and lean into it. He kisses his way to my ear and nips it and I gasp loudly.

"How was your date?" He growls into my ear and I shiver again. I'm so out of my depth with these feelings and sensations, I don't even know how to react.

"It was… ok." I gasp between his kisses on my neck. It's so hard to concentrate with him holding me like this.

"And yet you're right here…" He turns me around and kisses me full on the mouth. I groan into his mouth as the fire ignites and rushes through me. I clutch at his back and I lick my way into his mouth, tasting him, savoring him. My body reacts to his touch with full force; I can feel my heartbeat fasten, my breathing becomes shallow and uneven and I'm so hard in my pants I'm throbbing. I bite at his lip and I kiss my way down his jaw and neck to his collarbone where I bit in yesterday. I don't see if there's a mark there because it's too dark and I don't want to bother with the lights, but I suck on this sweet bone again and he moans loudly in his husky and grumbling voice. I can barely control myself not to buck my hips into him; instead I carry on kissing him and sucking at his skin. He hasn't shaved today, but I love the feeling of his stubble on my face and lips. I return to his lips and I coax his tongue into my mouth. The taste of him overwhelms me still and there's a rumble of pleasure forming deep in my throat as I suck on his tongue. His hand is in my hair then tugging me back, exposing my neck to him and he bites into it gently, but still with enough force to leave the mark and we both groan. He pulls away suddenly and I stifle my protest by gritting my teeth. His forehead is against mine and he mutters.

"Dammit Em, how is this even real?"

I caress the side of his face with my fingertips.

"Don't go there, Dean. We don't have time for that." I tell him, because we really don't have time for second thoughts right now. I take his hand and lead him to the living room. I turn on the lights and we both blink at the light for few seconds. We look at each other and we chuckle.

"I thought you left already." I tell him as I motion him to take a seat on the couch.

"We were going to." He tells me. "We caught the Aruda yesterday, piece of cake really."

"Why haven't you left then?"

"We didn't have a lead, so I convinced Sammy to stay for today. The nerd he is he found us the case this evening, but I told him I was too tired to drive tonight. We're leaving in the morning."

"But not too tired to come by?"

"Apparently."

"Ok." I tell him. "Why didn't you step by the shop?"

He looks uncomfortable with the question.

"I was thinking about it… Hell, I don't know. I guess I didn't want to get in deeper, you know?" He shifts and I can see he doesn't like talking about these things. I press on nevertheless, because I just have to know.

"Why are you here now then?"

"I wasn't going to come, but… Jesus, I saw you on your date and I fucking wanted to get you alone, ok?" He doesn't look at me but I feel like smiling. I don't though, I don't want him to be embarrassed.

"You saw me with Emma?" I ask instead.

"Yeah, Sammy whined about wanting some decent food, so we went to the only place there is in this goddamn town. Del's, isn't it? Anyway, I saw you two through the window, you were laughing at something and she was holding your hand and I don't know… I wasn't hungry anymore so I dragged Sam out. I couldn't stop thinking about it though, so here I am!"

"I'm glad you came." I tell him and he grins a little at that.

"I was actually kind of worried you might bring her home, you know. I mean you were on a date!"

"It's not like that." I tell him, but I don't go further. He does.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't… Emma and I… It's just not like that with her. I don't feel that way about her, at least I don't think I do. And it's a small town and she's my friend, so I can't just… you know." I feel so awkward speaking about these things to him, but I saw how awkward he was telling me why he came so it's fair I suppose.

"Hmm, hazards of living in a small town." He says slowly, lazily.

"No, hazards of meeting someone I actually want." I reply boldly and he pulls me into a kiss at once and again I give in entirely. We kiss until we're out of breath, we're panting and our lips are tender and swollen. He releases me then and I realize I'm almost in his lap. I untangle myself from him with the smile.

"Hey, have you still got that pie?" He asks me suddenly and I chuckle as I nod and walk to the kitchen to bring him the pie. He smiles happily at the sight of it and I laugh.

"You're easy to please." I tell him and he cocks his eyebrow.

"I'm a simple kind of guy." He agrees and digs into the pie.

"So what's your new case about?" I ask him settling onto the couch again. He slides closer unconsciously so our thighs touch. It's a small contact, but it's so sweet and reassuring I can't help but smile.

"We've been tracking these beings, leviathans. Sam thinks he found their headquarters." He says with the mouthful.

"What are they?" I ask, but I inexplicably shudder at the name. Déjà vu rushes through me again.

"Those are some serious badasses… They're new, well they got out not too long ago anyway so we don't really know what to do about them. Hunters all over the States are digging, investigating trying to find the way to kill them. No luck yet."

"So why are you going there if you don't have a way to kill it?" I ask him and I'm worried now.

"To watch. We need as much information we can get about them. There's a way to kill them, but I need to know as much as I can to do it right."

"In other words, it's dangerous, stupid thing to do, but there's no one other crazy enough to do it?" I ask him seriously.

"You can say so." He agrees with the grin, but I frown at him. "You're worried." He finally catches up.

"What gave me away?" I ask and he grins again. He pulls me by the back of the neck and kisses me again. I can taste the pie on him and this sweet and sour taste of his tongue on mine makes me sigh contentedly. We kiss for a long while again and I forget what we were speaking about and why was I worried. I just marvel in the sensations this man elicits in me and I think about nothing else except his taste and his touch on me. When he finally releases me I'm again almost in his lap. How does this happen?

I want to ask him something, but I know it will kill the mood altogether so I refrain. Instead I ask him if he wants to watch a movie and he agrees at once. I don't have a lot to choose from, but apparently the little few I have satisfies him and he quickly chooses Die Hard. I chuckle at his choice and he scowls.

"What? John McClane is amazing!"

"Yeah, ok, ok." I agree and put the movie on. I bring couple of beers and we settle to watch it.

"I have to warn you," he says suddenly, "I'm not a cuddly type, so don't have any ideas."

I laugh at that.

"Don't worry, I won't smother you with my cuddliness."

And yet not even twenty minutes later I'm pressed hard against him, kissing him, touching him. We forget about the movie as we lose ourselves in the sensations that are so new to me. I don't think it's new to him, he comes out as someone with a lot of experience, but the way he shivers and moans under my touch makes me giddy with joy and pleasure.

I'm not one night stand kind of guy, I'm really not and I have little to no idea what I'm doing, so I don't try to take it further, I just enjoy kissing and touching him. I think he doesn't want to take it further too, because he refrains from anything else. We just kiss and touch until we're both breathless and panting. That's when his phone rings and I know I really hate that stupid thing!

He looks at me apologetically as I untangle myself from him and he tries to catch his breath.

"Sammy?" He asks and to me he still sounds breathless. "No, I'm fine. I'm fine. You actually wanted something or did you just call to ask about my breathing abilities?" He scowls and I chuckle silently.

"No, I'm busy. I know I said I was tired, but I needed to get out… Dammit, what's with the twenty questions? I don't know, later. Later! Jesus, you're such a chick!"

He puts his phone down then and rolls his eyes.

"Do you have to go?" I ask him carefully. I don't want him to go, because this time it will be a good bye, but I want to know.

"No." He says at once. "Unless you want me to."

"No." I smile and settle back on the couch carefully not touching him. "So no cuddling, right?"

"Shut up!" He laughs and slides closer to me so our thighs are touching, just like before. We watch the movie for another half hour before I can't hold it in anymore.

"Dean, I want to ask you something." I tell him. I know it's a bad idea, but I really want to know.

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to tell me, but I wish you would."

"Jesus, what is it?" He asks warily.

I take a deep breath.

"Who was he? Cas."

I can see him tense up and I think he won't reply, but he sighs deeply and looks down at his hands.

"He was my friend. Family really."

"Was he your boyfriend?" I ask, but he shakes his head.

"No, it was not like that. It was complicated."

"Did you love him?"

"I never thought about that then. Dammit, I was so tangled up in my and Sammy's shit I didn't even think about it until he was gone…"

"What happened to him?" It's crucial for me, because what if… I know I'm not him, I can't be, but there's that little what if.

"I happened to him." He growls suddenly. "I fuck things up, Em. Even you… I'm already doing it… Shit. Cas was my friend and he did everything he could to help me. And the piece of shit that I was, I never even bothered to look and see if he was alright. And the son of the bitch never came to me! He made such shitty choices and he never came to me! And you know what the most fucked up thing in all this is? I think he loved me too much to load me with his problems! What kind of friend was I if I didn't know he was all alone in his battles?"

I can see it's very hard for him, this memory and this sharing and I want to stop him, to hug him and tell him it is going to be alright, but I know he needs to get it out. He's been keeping all this in for too long.

"I asked him and he lied to me and I was so hung up on my and Sammy's problems and didn't spare him a second glance! He got tangled in things he couldn't handle and by the time I realized how bad it was, it was already too late… I begged him not to do that, but it was too late… He begged me to stand by him and even when I refused and threatened him, he still protected me. You know what's the last thing that stupid bastard did? He fucking tried to save me, that's what! After I failed him in all and every way his last choice was trying to save me! And he did fucking save me, but he couldn't save himself and I failed to save him… And for the last six months all I do is try to get over the fucking undeniable truth – I fucked up and I lost him!"

His voice breaks then and he turns away from me. I see he's trying to pull himself together, to be in control again, but it's still hurting him too bad. I slide closer and put my arms around him, hugging him closely and soothing him. His last words, 'six months' tug at me, but I try to ignore it, because he needs some comfort now and I want to give it to him. I mutter something, like how it's going to be alright and how it's not his fault but he shakes in my arms.

"It sounds to me you two loved each other very much." I whisper and I feel so sorry for his loss. I hate his pain, it's hard to bear his pain and I wish I could do something for him, to alleviate it in anyway. I want it so much I almost will it to happen.

He jerks in my arms and stares at me wild eyed.

"What was that?" He asks and I look at him puzzled.

"What?"

"That." He says. "What did you do, Em, and most importantly, how'd you do that?"

"I haven't done anything." I mutter.

"Cut the crap! I know weird when I feel it. This was weird."

"But… But…" I'm perplexed. "I haven't… What could I have done?"

"I don't know. I felt like shit a moment ago and then suddenly… I don't know, I felt better."

"Maybe you just needed to talk about that?" I ask hopefully and he scowls.

"Have you done this before?" He asks seriously and I suddenly think of Mrs. Talbot. I think he can see it in my face, because he pales. "You have… Who are you Em?"

"What do you mean?" I'm scared now and I think it shows.

"People can't ease the pain at will and yet you did."

"I didn't do anything…" I mutter and jump from the couch. There's a weight of something big, massive hovering above me and I'm so frightened I want to scream. I start shaking my head as I move away from him. I think this is what panic feels like, because I can't really keep it in anymore. I feel like a caged animal, I'm scared and I want to go away, disappear somehow. He jumps from the couch too and catches me swiftly.

"Hey, hey, calm down. It's ok, calm down." His arms are around me and I relax into his touch. My breathing is still too fast, but the panic's subsiding and I can think clearly.

"Sorry," I mutter at his neck and press a kiss there, "I guess I freaked out a little… But Dean, I didn't do anything. I just wished you weren't in so much pain."

"It's ok." He whispers and his fingers brush through my hair. "We're good."

"Do you want to stay?" I ask him suddenly. I don't let go and I don't look at him as I say this. "You can sleep on the couch, you know."

He stiffens in my arms for a second and then I can feel him nod. "Yeah, ok, I'll stay."

I look at him then and I kiss him. It's not a heated kiss, more of the 'thank you' and 'we're ok' type, but the way I enjoy it scares me more than all the heated kisses did. I'm in such a deep trouble… I can't think about it now though, because I don't have much time left with him and I won't waste it on fear or pity.

"Let's just finish the movie." I tell him and bring couple of more beers as he settles in.

"Who would've thought Die Hard was such a drama!" I hear him mutter under his breath and we both grin.

After the movie's done, I put on Die Hard 2 and I bring him more beer. I don't want anymore and it really doesn't do anything for me anyway. He sips at it and then looks at me curiously.

"Em, give me your number." He says. "I'll give you my number you can always reach me on."

I look at him for a long while and then I do what Brian used to call my doggy thing – I tilt my head. It's very natural for me somehow, but after having heard Brian laugh at it all the time I now catch myself doing that.

"Are you ever coming back?" I ask him and I see he's startled by my question. He looks at me for a long while before answering.

"I don't know." He finally says and I see it's the truth, he really doesn't.

"Then I'd rather not." I tell him.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to spend my days waiting for you to call or not allowing myself to call you. It's better this way – you leave and it's done." It's hard to speak about this, but I know I'm right. If I hope to resume the life I had before him, I need to cut it clean.

He nods at me.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I just thought that you know, in case you're in trouble, you could call me."

"Thanks, but how many supernatural things can happen in the town this size?" I smile and he chuckles.

"You'd be surprised…" He mutters and then changes direction getting me completely off guard. "Are you going to see Emma again?"

I'm so surprised by his question that I answer automatically, without even thinking about it.

"Probably."

"I thought you didn't feel that way about her." He says and his lips twitch with the smallest of smiles.

"It doesn't mean I don't like her. Besides, it's not like I have a choice to keep someone I do feel that way about…"

"No, I suppose not." He agrees thoughtfully. He puts his beer on the table and moves closer to me. "Do you think I shouldn't have come today?"

"No, I'm glad you did." I tell him at once and I see his eyes light up.

"Good." He pulls me closer to him and leans back to watch the movie I have completely forgotten was on. If that's not cuddling, then I don't know what it is and I can't help but smile at that. He nudges me gently and scowls when I chuckle.

We watch the movie for a long time, enjoying this peaceful time together. When it's over I look up at him and I see he's dozed off. It's really late, almost 3:30 in the morning and I'm also very tired. I wriggle from his arms but he doesn't even feel that. I fetch the spare blankets and pillow and I shake him gently. His eyes snap open and I can see he's disoriented at first and then it comes to him.

"Is it morning already?" He asks and I shake my head.

"No, but it's late and I have funeral and work tomorrow. And you have a long drive, so we really should get some proper sleep. I brought you some blankets and a pillow."

"Ok, thanks." He smiles at me.

"If you need anything, just take it." I tell him. "Or call me."

"Yeah, ok." He stands up and I kiss him slowly and lazily, holding him in my arms. I'm sleepy, but the kiss still makes the fire blaze in the pit of my stomach. I refuse to think of it as a good bye so I just whisper "sleep well" and go to my room.

/\/\/\

Wednesday early am

I wake up with the start and I realize someone's shaking me. I recoil and try to break from the grasp of that unknown someone my sleepy mind doesn't have time to identify.

"Shh, it's ok, it's me, calm down." I hear soothing voice and as my tired brain takes it in I relax into his grip. Dean. It's Dean. He stayed at my place last night, of course.

"What are you doing?" I ask him hoarsely and from the sound of my voice I know – I've been screaming again. I mutter. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."

I feel so hot I'm almost feverish. I'm all sweaty and I can feel the remains of the dream lingering, lurking at the edges of my conscious mind, but for the life of me I don't remember what it was. What could it have been that made me scream and thrash until Dean woke me up?

"Are you ok?" He asks me silently. "You were screaming the way I… It was very intense."

"I'm ok, it was just a dream." I tell him and I try the reassuring smile, but I'm still shaky and I don't think it comes out alright, because he shakes his head.

"What was it about?" He asks.

"I don't remember. I never remember my dreams." I confess.

"Never?"

"No." I shake my head and as I start to calm down I realize he is still holding me. I look at him, taking the sight of him in. He's in his AC/DC T-shirt and boxers, no pants. It's the first time I see him without pants and although I never imagined it quite this way, it still doesn't fail to arouse me. I swallow hard as I stare at him and before I can control it, I am kissing him fully, heatedly. I wrap my arms around his neck and as I kiss him I pull at him coaxing him, almost forcing him to come into my bed. He's almost on top of me, his hands at my sides as he tries to hold his weight and resist my tugging.

"Are you sure?" He asks, but his voice is so husky now that all it does is make me harder still.

"Yes, yes." I say at once and his lips return to mine, his body on top of me at last. I can feel all of him, his long legs between mine, the panes of his hard chest against mine and most of all his hard and throbbing cock brushing against mine through two layers of soft fabric. I'm so out of my depth, I have no idea what am I doing and how to do it, but all I know is I want him, I want to feel him and I want to make him feel me, so I let the instincts take over and I just don't think at all. I moan into his mouth as I slide my hands under his shirt and touch his bare skin for the first time. I marvel at the sensation of him in my hands. His skin is smooth and heated and his body is so tantalizingly strong I'm panting already. He pushes up suddenly, but before I can protest, I can see he's simply taking off his T-shirt. He's straddled on top of me now and the view of him on me makes me buck my hips into him and he groans loudly. He tugs at my T-shirt and I pull up to let him remove it. I still have the bandage on, but as he lowers himself on me once again, the bandage is all forgotten. I gasp loudly when he trails his lips down my neck and chest to my left nipple. He sucks on it and I arch into this touch, my eyes wide open. He chuckles contentedly at my reaction and rolls my right nipple between his fingers as he continues to suck and flip the left one. And all I can do is whimper and moan because the sensations overwhelm me. I don't think I ever felt this way, amnesia or not, because this is something I simply wouldn't have forgotten.

I grab his hips and I turn. He yelps in surprise as I pin him to the bed, but I really want to feel him, to kiss him and to taste him, so I ignore his muttering and I start kissing him, all of him. Despite the fire raging in me, I take my time. I taste and lick and nip at his skin trailing my lips and tongue from the hollow of his throat to his prominent abs. He's strong and beautiful and I want him, all of him. I slide down further and I'm nipping at the soft skin of the insides of his thighs. He moans loudly at that and I brush against the bulge of his boxers deliberately. He groans suddenly and pulls me up, kissing me with the neediness I have never seen. He rolls us over again and pulls down my boxers before taking his off as well. We're fully naked now and the realization of it makes my cock throb and I whimper. It's unbelievable how much I want him, how different lust is from what I have read about it. All I can feel is the raging fire, raw and all consuming, and I want him to touch me, to have me.

He lowers himself on me again and he starts rocking into me. The friction is all I need right now and I gasp at the sensation of our cocks rubbing together. He grips them firmly together and starts pumping steadily, working his hips along the rhythm. I mirror his movements and soon I'm panting, my heart racing in my chest and the feeling growing in me is so overwhelming I don't have words for it. All the while Dean kisses me, every part of me he can reach; my neck, my shoulders, he licks at my nipples and he bites into my collarbone. I groan and I grab his ass to speed him up and he tenses further, matching my need with his thrusts and his pumping. This is when it starts happening – I can feel it building, reaching the level I can no longer control it. Dean is muttering something to me, but I can't understand him anymore, because I'm lost in this sensation. It's so big, it's too much and I can't hold it in anymore so I just let go and I come whimpering his name. The fire in me intensifies, scolding me, threatening to burst out, but I hold on to it, not letting it consume me, but rather intensifying what I feel right now. I buck my hips uncontrollably when I come and a second later I can feel him shuddering and groaning and coming too.

Dean rocks into me few more times and then he collapses on me and I hold him, feeling all of him. He's sweaty and hot, he's breathing fast and his heart is beating madly, but his limbs begin to relax. I kiss his shoulder, nuzzle in his neck and I'm so undeniably happy right now, I can't even make myself move. I never thought it could be that good, that intense and that gratifying. People talk about sex, but talking about it and experiencing it with someone you desire as much as I desire him is completely different. This was bliss, this was beautiful. I caress his back, trailing my fingers down his spine, drawing the shapes that feel familiar to my hands, but not to my head. Finally, Dean sighs contentedly and rolls off me. I take my T-shirt and clean us up a little and he smiles at me and pulls me into his arms. I place my head on his chest and I listen to his slowing heartbeat.

"Thanks for waking me up." I mumble sleepily and he chuckles.

"Anytime."

**Oh, by the way - Emma thing is absolutely necessary to this story... I know in cannon it was Daphne, but hey - it's fiction for a reason! **

**Anyways, hope you liked it ;)**


	7. Chapter 7 - Good Byes

**Hi! Here's the newest part of my Emmanuel story. I have to say, writing Emmanuel is really fun, because I can twist and turn the ideas and thoughts in his jumbled mind the way I want and I'm not desperately tied to 'the angel of the Lord' crap :)**

**The only problem is this story is shaping to be monstrously long... **

**Anyway, I hope you like it, let me know.**

**L.**

Chapter 7 – Good byes

Wednesday

In my life, as much as I remember it, I never enjoyed waking up. More often than not I wake up with the jolt of panic coursing through me or from the sound of my own scream, so waking is definitely not my favorite time of the day. Except today it definitely is.

I suppose I slept well, because I wake up slowly and lazily and I really don't remember waking like this before. The first thing my mind registers is that I'm not alone. There's that second where I hang at the brink of reality and then it hits me, of course I'm not alone, I'm with him. I smile lazily before even opening my eyes, because I feel myself being wrapped around him, tangled with him so much I don't know where my limbs end and his begin. My smile widens even more when I realize he's holding onto me just as tightly.

"Morning." I hear him mumble and I raise my head from his chest to look at him. He's smiling his most relaxed smile I have ever seen and all I can think of is how handsome he is when he's so relaxed.

"Morning." I reply and I brush chaste kiss across his lips. I put my head down again and listen to his heartbeat. It's so amazing, the way we lie here, the way I have him, even if it's just for a moment. I feel him starting to caress my back with his fingertips, trailing them around my vertebrae carefully avoiding my bruises. He's not in a hurry and I'm happy to have these last minutes with him.

"Em, tell my about you." He says slowly and I raise my head to look at him again.

"What do you want to know?" I ask. I know I haven't told him the most important thing about me, but really, it just never came up. Besides, when it will come up, there will be problems, because I just know what he'll think.

"Anything." He mutters. "I want to know you."

"Ok." I agree after a moment's hesitation. I mean really, after he told me about his Cas it's really only fair if I tell him how I came to be who I am. It's a lie otherwise. "I suppose I should tell you how I got here."

"What do you mean? I thought you said you were local?"

"In a manner of speaking…"

"You lied to me?" He's so surprised it's almost funny. I mean I've known him for the grand total of four days and he's shocked that I could have lied to him. I haven't though, not really.

"No, I didn't really lie. I just… omitted some parts of the truth."

"Ok, just spill. What does that mean?"

"I came here a little over six months ago. Except coming here is probably not the right wording. John found me a little over six months ago on the shore of the lake where I was alone and dying. If not for John I think I'd be either dead or in some kind of mental institution now, because John finding me is the first thing I remember, so I really owe him a lot. Not to mention that he'd given me shelter and food and helped me get to my feet finding me the job. So for all intents and purposes he took care of me and he raised me and really how's that not what fathers do?" I look up at him now, because he's very silent. His eyes are wide and he's gone all pale.

"Over six months ago? On a shore of the lake?" He whispers and I curse under my breath.

"I thought you'd think of it. Dammit Dean, I'm not your Cas!" I growl at him, but I'm not even angry. It had to come to this, of course it did. I mean if he lost him six months ago and I came to being at that very time, looking just like him, then it's too much of a coincidence, isn't it? Except that I'm not Cas, I'm Emmanuel and I don't want to be and can't be anything else.

"Castiel." He says suddenly and I look at him confused. "His name was Castiel."

It must be some kind of a cosmic joke really, because how on earth could this be happening?

"Castiel." I repeat and although the sound of this name doesn't really sound familiar, the way it rolls from my tongue definitely does. I shake my head though.

"I'm not him, Dean." I tell him firmly.

"You don't remember." He replies and I see hope in his eyes, hope that hurts me and hope that hurts him.

"I'm not him." I repeat calmly. "You better snap out of it, because I will kick you out of my home if you don't. I'm not Castiel."

"But how can you… I mean Em, for all you know you could be!"

"It doesn't matter what I could or couldn't be Dean. I am Emmanuel and I'm happy being me, do you hear me? I don't want to be anything else! I don't want to remember who the hell I was, because whoever that was, he wasn't a happy man! I wake up screaming every other day and I thank the fate or whatever there is that I don't remember what I dream of that makes me scream like that! Today, right here was the first time ever I woke up without fear hovering above me and dammit, I liked that! I have decent life here – I have my family, my home, my friends and I'm happy here. I don't want to think of who I was before, because whoever that was he was alone and nobody was even looking for him when he disappeared. People love me here and I love them! This town is my home and although I have only been here for six months, I am local. Have you noticed how nobody told you, the FBI agent, I was an outsider? Mentally instable because of my amnesia to add? And that's in time when everyone was scared and saddened by the loss of two of our midst. You know why that is? Because they love me and I love them and that's what home is all about. So don't you lie here looking at me like that and hoping I'm someone else, because I'm not! If you want to go, fine, go, but don't you expect me being somebody else!"

"Em, I… I didn't mean to… Jesus, you have to understand…"

"No, Dean, I don't have to understand anything. I mean I'm not a fool, I know you are here because of him and I knew it when I pulled you into my bed last night. It doesn't matter really, because you're leaving in couple of hours and I don't regret anything. This feeling, this need I have for you is something I never anticipated and I don't regret succumbing to it. It was amazing and I'm happy to have felt it and experienced it. But even though you're here because of him, it doesn't give you the right to expect me to be him. You can pretend I'm him and I can pretend you want me and not him, but that's all there is. I can't ask you to see me and not him and you can't ask me to be him." My heart is pounding now, the bliss of the morning evaporated and there's a painful throbbing of loss in my chest. Dammit, why couldn't I have told him about something else?

"I'm not here because of Cas." He says silently and I look at him. I know there's hope in my eyes and I can't seem to stifle it. He continues. "Not entirely anyway. It was never like this with Cas and I don't know if it could've been. You two are so alike in details, in appearances, in the manner of speech and the way you move, but you're so different too. I've known Cas for four years and we never even progressed beyond the awkward hug… Jesus, I just… I don't know, I guess I hoped, you know?"

"I know." I nod. "And I'm sorry. Maybe it really wasn't such a good idea after all…"

"Shut up, it was awesome." He grins suddenly to lighten the mood and he kisses me. It's a quick kiss but I smile anyway. He settles back and resumes tracing his fingers along my back. "So tell me more. What happened when he found you?"

I lie there listening to his heartbeat for a while longer before I start talking again.

"Ok, so he took me to a hospital and after I got better, he offered me to stay with him. I didn't have many options anyway, it was either mental hospital or John's and obviously I chose John's. It was surprising really how he did all he could to help me. I mean I know his faith kind of makes him do it, but I don't think many priests would have done what he did. He invited a complete stranger who had no idea who he was to his home. Even now I'm amazed by him. He helped me in any way he could, he taught me simple things, like how to shave, because somehow I forgot it. Or how people have personal space that I shouldn't invade." I chuckle at that, but he tenses and I look up. He just shakes his head.

"Anyway, soon after he got me my job. Mark and John are friends, you see, and he pulled the strings and here I was. I don't think Mark minds anymore, because I do all I can to give him as much time as possible. He has problems with his health, you know? Anyway, he's been teaching me carpentry, I like it… And all the rest… I don't know, sort of happened. I made friends with Brian and then Tom and Emma, I got to know everyone in this town and I got to like them… And then the Aruda happened and here you are." I plant a kiss on his chest.

"And you're happy here?" He asks me seriously and I know it's a loaded question. I think he wants me to tell him I'm not really happy so he can find a way to bring Castiel back, but I am happy. I don't know if I ever was Castiel, but it seems likely and I can't deny it, but the fact is I don't want to be him.

"Yes Dean, I really am."

"Ok." He says and falls silent again. After a long while he asks me. "So John's a priest?"

"Yeah." I say and then smile sadly. "I can't even imagine what he'd say if he saw me now…"

"Why?" He's confused somehow.

"Well, look at me!"

He shakes his head. "I don't get it."

"It's a sin, Dean." I tell him seriously. "The way I want you is a sin. It's bad enough I don't share John's faith, this would definitely disappoint him…"

"Hey, look at me." He says urgently then and I raise my head. "Believe me when I say this, God couldn't care less who we choose to take to our beds. I had a really reliable source telling me it's load of bull how people judge each other in the name of the Lord."

"It doesn't matter Dean." I tell him dismissively.

"Why?"

"Because it's not God's approval I want, it's John's. And in his eyes this is a sin."

"Then he's mistaken." He says it with finality and I don't argue. There's no point to argue really, because I understand this is just something I care about.

"Anyway," I say with the smile trying to distract us both, "I still think John would be pissed because he's likely rehearsing his sermon for my and Emma's wedding."

"Are you getting married now?" He asks in disbelief.

"I've been on two dates and one of them ended with me pulling you into my bed, so what do you think?"

He laughs at that and I join in.

"You are going to keep seeing her, aren't you?" He asks and I want to hear jealousy there. I don't think it's there though.

"Probably."

"Why? I mean why don't you look for someone you'd actually like?"

"But I do like her." I tell him confusedly. "Just because I don't feel this fire with her doesn't mean I don't like her. If I haven't met you, I'd think it's perfectly normal to feel this way about someone. She's a nice girl and she cares about me. And really, I care about her too, it's just different."

"How is it different?" He asks and I sigh.

"With you it's always fire. With you I can't control myself. With you I don't care how stupid it is, I just react to you and do whatever feels right. With you I'm always on the edge and I can't help but crave it. I know it's crazy and I know I'm in trouble, but I can't make myself care…"

At this he pulls at my hair slightly to make me look at him. I do and I see his eyes have darkened. My breathing fastens at the mere look in his eyes.

"You now I want you just as much, right?" He asks in his husky voice and I'm kissing him again. It's absurd how much I want him, really. I plunge my tongue into his warm mouth and he shudders. I like the feeling of him beneath me and I straddle him. His hands slide to my hips and I start moving but of course this is the moment his goddamn phone rings.

I groan at the sound and pull away, still sitting on him. He looks at me apologetically and I roll off him disappointed. Dammit.

"What?" He answers his phone angrily and then listens. "Yeah I know. I lost time. I know I said at seven. Ok, sorry Sammy, I'll be there in a few. Fine. Dammit, you're so annoying! I know, fine."

He looks at me and I'm sure there's sadness in his expression.

"I have to go." He tells me and I nod. "We had to leave two hours ago…"

"Ok." I nod again. I climb of the bed and pull my jeans on. I won't make it sentimental. He has to go and I know it. The time's up.

He dresses up quickly and I lead him out of my room to the front door. He pulls me into a hug and kisses my bare shoulder. I hug him back and I try to hold myself together, but it hurts anyway and I wish he didn't have to leave. He must've read my mind, because the next second he breathes into my neck.

"Dammit Em, I wish I didn't have to…"

But I cut him off with a quick kiss.

"Don't say anything else Dean." I tell him and I smile. "I have no regrets."

I open the door and he steps out.

"Be safe, ok?" I tell him and he nods. There are so many things we still want to tell each other, but there's no time for anything else but the good bye, and apparently I hate good byes so I smile at him again and I close the door.

/\/\/\

As I lie in my bed at night I can't decide if it has been a good day. It was a very hard day, that's true, but in a way it was a good day too. It was a bad day because today we buried Brian and that was horrible. I thought Tom and I started to accept his death after the drinking at Hunters', but apparently I was kidding myself. The funeral was excruciating. I'm always so uneasy with the pain and there was so much pain I was barely holding on, and that was without my own pain of losing my best friend. Almost the entire town gathered for the double funeral – Brian and Dennis were buried at the same time. And almost everyone had tears in their eyes. Emma came to me and cried silently into my chest as I held her and tried to sooth her. Old Mrs. Talbot cried silently as John gave the blessings. Nora sobbed loudly, but the most difficult to bare were two of Dennis' children who wept the entire time.

John says there's a great meaning in funerals, they are for saying good byes, but I didn't say good bye to Brian. Funeral is futile in that sense, to me at least. I didn't say good bye, because I'm not ready to do that. I can't be forced to let go and I won't. Probably the time will come when I will be ready to accept that my friend is gone and I will move on, but it's not today and it definitely doesn't depend on the time Brian's body gets to be buried. I don't understand the concept of paying respects too, because I am paying respects by remembering and missing him, not by coming to the funeral. John disagrees and I'm fine with that, but after today I know I hate funerals.

It was also a hard day, because after all this I had to go to work and all I wanted is to go back home, bury my head under my pillow and not to think. I miss Brian, I wish he was alive, I wish there was something I could do.

Everyone who came to the store today spoke to me about how beautiful the funeral was, but I don't share the sentiment, I resented it, so I had to nod and I lie and agree, because people want to hear that, they want to say good bye and move on. I don't know why I am so weird with good byes, but to me the end is just very hard to accept. I don't like the concept of the end, the life, the world should be continuous. That's why I like stars a guess – they don't end. Even after they are long gone, the energy, the light perseveres and I draw comfort from that.

Not being the believer I can't lie to myself and tell myself Brian is in the better place right now, because I don't think there's Brian anymore and that hurts. And most of all, I just can't let go of the fact that it's just so unfair.

The entire day I was so absorbed in the loss of Brian that I didn't even think of Dean. Well that's not entirely truth, my thoughts did wander to him, but I didn't allow myself think of him. The funeral, the consolation of the others was what mattered, but as I lie in my bed that I shared with him so recently, I find it so hard to fight the thoughts about him off.

He is the reason why this day is not entirely horrible. Yes, letting him go was harder than I ever thought it would be and I feel the loss of him in my chest and the pit of my stomach all the time. But waking up in his arms, feeling him pressed to me, holding me, trailing his fingers down my back is worth every second of the pain I feel at his loss. I wish he didn't leave. I wish he was right here with me, in my bed again, although it's likely I wouldn't be thinking any of this if he was. The thought of him touching me again both ignites that fire in me and makes my chest throb painfully. I've lost him. He was never mine to begin with, but I still feel I've lost him.

I shake my head and I think of sleeping, it's late and I'm tired. But I don't want to sleep, sleeping mean nightmares and screaming, even though I remember none of it. I remember the bliss of the morning and it's a painful reminder how alone I am right now, a reminder that there's no one to wake me from the dreams I have and not remember. I tell myself it doesn't matter though, because really having him and losing him doesn't define me. I only had him for few short hours, I can't let it be the most important thing in my life. I think that's the time I drift to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8 - Moving on

**Hi guys! This is one of those chapters I like, because they are entirely about the guy Cas has become. A bit difficult to write and somewhat hard to deal with Emma in it, but it was interesting :) Hope you like it, emjoy!**

**L.**

Chapter 8 - Moving on

Thursday

I'm at work and I have too much free time on my hands. I don't like free time, not now anyway, when every free minute I have is spent thinking about him. I try to think about other things, about carpentry, about driving lesson this Sunday, about Emma and even about Brian, but my mind stubbornly wonders back to him. I also think of Castiel. I wish I have asked Dean more about him, a full name maybe? Or how he died… I consider the possibility to call Sheriff Turner and ask to check if there's a missing person or a notice of death six months ago of someone called Castiel. The name should be rare enough and I know the rough timing and location to narrow it down further, but I'm afraid this will raise questions that I don't want to answer. I can't tell anyone Dean told me about Castiel, because as far as my friends and family know I don't know Dean. Maybe I should tell Sheriff I remembered the name? That ought to be safe enough, but then again it's a small town and soon everybody will be asking questions and I'll have to lie. But even more importantly, I'm afraid of what I might find out about this Castiel and what kind of bad choices he had made.

And yet I want to know. Now, that this information is within my reach, I can barely contain myself. I want to know who he was and if there's a chance he is what I was. There are too many coincidences for him not to be my past, really, but I have read that coincidences do happen. They say coincidences never happen in fiction, because they always have to lead to something, but this is not fiction, this is my life and I still hope that this is just one big string of coincidences. I don't know why I want Castiel not to have been me, but then again maybe I do. Even from the little Dean had said, Castiel wasn't a happy man and he seems to have been very lonely in his life. I have a life full of people I care about and I don't want to lose it.

I sigh and shake my head when the bell jingles and the next customer comes in.

/\/\/\

Friday

"Son, don't forget you promised to come to the church on Sunday." John tells me and I roll my eyes. We're at my work and John came to take Mark fishing, but he used the opportunity to remind me my promise.

"John, I know I have forgotten a lifetime so probably I shouldn't be telling you this, but come on! I won't forget."

"Yes, yes. Well no harm in reminding you. By the way, I heard you took Emma out couple of days ago. How is it going? All good?"

"You think this is a good time for father – son talk?" I scowl and both John and Mark chuckle.

"I was just wondering, you know. Emma's a good girl, don't miss your chance."

"Come on John, just go already."

He looks at me funny then. John knows me quite well and I think he can sense something is not quite right, but Mark is here and I'm clearly not in a mood for discussions, so he lets it go.

"Well anyway," he continues, "you two should go that new movie about space or something. I heard it's quite good."

I roll my eyes again.

"I will think about it." I agree finally and John grins.

"Don't think too long, you never know when someone snatches your girl. She's a catch!"

"Oh my God! Will you stop it already? We've been on two dates!"

"Language, Emmanuel." He says evenly and I feel such a child all of the sudden, but then he smiles again. "Fine, it's your business; I just want you to be happy."

/\/\/\

Saturday

I asked Emma out to movies. It more than surely is a mistake, but I can't stand staying alone anymore. I think about him all the time and I just can't do it anymore, I need a distraction, even if what I'm doing is very much unfair to Emma. We'll be going out on Tuesday and Emma's driving, because I still don't have my permit. I'll ask Tom to help me with it, I want to start driving as soon as I can. I feel very grounded without the possibility to drive and it's really strange, because I never felt this way before. I never really needed to drive, because everything in this town is within walking distance and I never really wanted to get out of the town, but now I feel confined to it and I don't like the feeling.

I sit carving my ornament into the wooden box and I wonder where he might be this very moment, what he could be doing and whether or not he thinks about me sometimes. I don't think he does, because this is surely not as new to him as it is to me. He leads this lifestyle of a drifter and I'm sure I'm not the only one he'd left behind when it was time to go, so I don't have any illusions that I left a lasting impression. It makes my chest throb painfully, but it's alright, I knew what I was getting into, so now I just need to find the way to move on. I think Emma might be the way, although I know I risk a lot with her, because if it turns out she really isn't, I will lose a friend and I only have two left so losing one of them is definitely not an option. And still I wonder if he's alright, if he's safe and despite everything, if he thinks of me sometimes.

/\/\/\

Sunday

I went to church. John's sermon was about good byes and letting go. Fitting. I know it was about Brian and Dennis, but I don't want to let go of Brian, not yet. I do want to let go of Dean. I have to let go, it's getting ridiculous.

John smiled at me after the sermon. I know he's happy I came, but I don't feel good here. Church doesn't sooth me, it aggravates me and I don't know why it is, but… I guess I'm just not a churchgoer.

I went to John for our usual dinner, but all through it I was distracted and distant. I told him I was thinking about Brian and also about Tom and our driving, but that's not it. I'm uneasy for no apparent reason, I'm restless and I can barely concentrate. It's as if I'm waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what it is. I have to get a grip before my driving lesson or Tom will kick my ass. I really can't end up in a ditch.

I called Sheriff today and asked him to check the name Castiel. I said I had a flashback and this is the name I remembered, but I don't know who he is and why I remembered him. Sheriff promised to check it, but he did mumble he'd like to have a last name too. I would too, for that matter.

Finally I meet Tom at his home and we go for a drive. Before he even lets me come close to his car, I have to listen to all the rules of driving his car, like no ogling at ads, no waving at Emma if by any chance I see her, no singing (and this is ridiculous, I don't sing) and no bullshit. In all seriousness I ask Tom what does he mean by bullshit, but he rolls his eyes at me and orders me to get into the car already. I laugh as I get in and he growls.

"No laughing too, concentrate Em! Brian told me everything about your driving experiences, so you focus or I swear to God, I'll kick your ass."

I laugh again, because I know he's joking. He joins me for a second, but then composes himself again.

"Ok, really. Concentrate, we're going out of town today and I want us to make it back unscathed." He admonishes and I nod seriously.

"Where are we going?" I ask him.

"We're going to get a decent pizza!" He grins and I start the engine. "Now, just easy, carefully start driving. And don't forget to look if no one's coming!"

"Relax, Tom." I tell him, but I'm far from relaxed. I look carefully before driving out. "We've been through this with Brian."

"You've been in a ditch with him too." He mutters and I roll my eyes.

The drive after that is easy and smooth. I like driving and Tom doesn't comment much, so I think I'm doing alright. He tells me to watch the side of the road from time to time, but I think it's because he needs to show me he's teaching me. I listen and nod and always drive a little straighter after his remarks and he smiles to himself. All in all, it's a pleasant drive and I'm having loads of fun. And most importantly, I don't think about Dean. Well, almost.

/\/\/\

Monday

My stomach wound has almost healed. There will definitely be a scar there, but as I told Dean, I don't mind. I'm weirdly fond of it actually, because it's a tangible proof I didn't imagine the whole encounter, I didn't imagine him – he's real and it did happen.

Sheriff Turner calls me at work to tell there's no record of anyone named Castiel that would have disappeared or died in the last year in the USA. I thank him and tell him it must've been a false memory or something. Or maybe it wasn't me I was remembering and Sheriff is sympathetic and promises to help me out if I remember anything else. I thank him again and hang up. I'm surprised though – why didn't anyone report his death? Didn't he have anyone in his life? Why didn't Dean report it? It's so strange, I was afraid to find out too much, but this lack of any information unhinges me even more. Who was he? What happened to him and why doesn't anyone look for him?

/\/\/\

Tuesday

It's nearly time for Emma to pick me up and I'm a bit restless. I still think it's a mistake I'm making, but I don't let myself dwell on that too much, because I know I won't change it. I'm going out with Emma and that's that. It's been almost a week since he left and I need to move on with my life, because I won't let those few short hours I had with him define me.

And yet I know those few short hours changed me. I never felt bored here before – I was fully content to live this small town life, work at the store, do some carpentry, sometimes get out with friends. Now I can't stop thinking how uneventful my life is. I get up, take a shower, walk to work, work, go for groceries, eat, sleep and then start again. When I think of it, and now I do think of it, it's so numbingly boring I want to do anything it takes to change it. I think I just need a distraction, something new in my life and I'll be alright again. Or maybe I just want him.

I shake my head as I hear a knock on my door.

We drive to the cinema in the next town and on our way we chat about our everyday lives. Emma tells me how's the car fixing going. She likes some kind of old rusty car that needs a lot of work done and I try to concentrate through all this, but I really know nothing about cars and I can't tell they excite me that much. The only thing that's exciting about the car is its speed. I like driving fast, that made Brian positively mad, but he sometimes did allow me to knock myself out. His car wasn't very fast though… If I could afford it, I'd buy sports car. Driving fast is like flying and although I of course don't know what flying feels like, I think it's similar and I enjoy it immensely. I tell Emma about wanting a fast car and she just scoffs at me. I think Emma and Dean would hit it off; they are very much alike when I think of it. That's not the thought I like to entertain though, so I brush it off.

The movie we came out to see is some kind of science fiction movie with horror elements. Emma hates chick flicks and I like her very much for that. We both enjoy the movie although as many others of this genre it's kind of foolish. We laugh a lot though and I notice people staring at us. It ought to be scary movie of sorts, but we're having way too much fun for it to be scary, so we just whisper to each other all the things that make the movie funny and we laugh silently. We kiss a lot too, but come to think of it, it's only expected in the movies, isn't it? I enjoy kissing her, I don't think about anything else as I move my lips across hers and I can see it excites her. I don't feel the rush, the hunger I felt with Dean, but maybe that's ok. Maybe this is real, maybe this is how it should be. I let myself get lost in the comforting and soothing feeling of Emma in my arms, her lips on mine and I really like it.

After the movie, we grab some hotdogs and beers and sit in the park eating, drinking and talking about every insignificant detail of our daily lives. I think about how being here with Emma grounds me, gives me comfort and relief and I'm happy I'm here with her. It's not the same as with Dean, it never will be, but perhaps that's alright, perhaps I can get used to that.

"Em, I was thinking of throwing a party next weekend." Emma says suddenly.

"Yeah? Any particular reason?" I ask.

"Well, it's my birthday for one," she smiles, "and it's the first time I actually feel like celebrating."

"Then you should definitely do it."

"Will you come?"

"Of course." I smile at her. "Why wouldn't I?"

"No reason. I just… I don't know. I don't want to have this awkward 'where is this going?' kind of conversation, you know, but I really like you. And I like spending time with you. You're a great guy, so I just… I don't know… I guess what I'm trying to say is I like you."

I kiss her, but as I do so, I feel a twinge of guilt twisting my insides. Surely this isn't fair to her – I don't know if I will be able to be with her, if this feeling of comfort I feel around her will be enough and doesn't that make me a jerk? But then again, it's been three dates… Am I expected to know by now if what we have here is going to last? I don't know what's appropriate or expected in the dating world, because honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing.

"Emma, I… You're my friend, you know that, right?" I ask her finally and she nods. "Good. And I also like spending time with you and I really enjoy our dates, but I can't have where it is going conversation now, because I just don't know. I don't know if it's acceptable or not and I'm sorry if I am supposed to know by now, but I just don't. I want to keep doing this though and I hope you do too, but I'm not ready for any big promises or something like that."

Emma looks at me for a while longer and then laughs silently.

"Oh my God, I just went all chick-flick on you, didn't I? Sorry Em, you're right of course! It's stupid really to be talking about any of this now… I guess since we know each other for a longer time, I just got messed up in my head, but really, it's absurd, we shouldn't be having any of these conversations any time soon."

"You don't mind?" I ask her a bit cautiously.

"Nah, I'm good. I don't know what happened here, sorry about that."

I grin at her and kiss her again. "We should be getting back, it's late and your dad is going to kill me if you don't get home in respectable hour."

"I think you're safe on that account, my dad likes you."

"I'm sure John has something to do with that, he's been speaking up for me since I came."

"No, I think you impressed dad when he came over to pick an axe and you convinced him the one with narrower blade was better. I've never seen Mark convince my dad to buy something he hasn't set his mind on. I think there's history of bad purchase there… Anyway, he gave you the benefit of the doubt and it turned out you were right. So according to my dad you can be trusted." She laughs and I join in. Suddenly she deepens her voice in imitation of her dad:

"That Emmanuel of yours is good with tools. Man's gotta be good with tools."

"I'm glad he never heard me talking about cars then!" I'm still laughing, but Emma looks at me horrified.

"Oh, no, no, no! You can never let him hear what you think of cars! If he asks anything about cars – better say you don't remember and it's such a shame that you don't. All you know is you like American muscle cars and don't get the foreign tiny cars and you'll be good."

"So if I tell him I actually want a foreign sports car, he won't let me see you again?" I grin.

"Well, that! Or he'll disown me when I refuse!"

We're still laughing and joking as we get back to Emma's car.

Once we're at my place I deliberate a second on whether or not I should invite Emma. From the way she looks at me, I surmise she would want me too, but I'm hesitant, because this could be complicated. I don't want to rush things with Emma, not while I still think of Dean that much, not while I can't help comparing. I mean I do want to ask her in – she's a beautiful girl and I do like her, but it's just too soon and our friendship means more to me than that. So instead of inviting her, I kiss her for a long while and then I try not to see her disappointment when I say good night. She takes hold of herself pretty quickly and soon she's smiling and wishing me a good night too.

Later I sit on the couch watching TV and I can't help thinking I should have invited her in. My motives for not doing so are still valid and I'm kind of glad I didn't, but at the same time I can't help feeling a bit lonely here. There's nothing good on TV, it's really late, but I don't want to sleep, so I just sit silently, trying to concentrate on what's happening in the show I'm watching. I think I dozed off for a moment there, but I'm woken up by the knock on my door. It's a silent knock, so I must not have been sleeping for long for it to wake me. I go to the door wondering who might it be and I'm almost sure it's John, because who else could be coming here at 1 am?

I open the door and I'm surprised, because it's not John.

No, I suppose surprised is not a word strong enough to convey the rush of emotions running through me once I open the door, but for a lack of better word, I'm surprised, because it's not John, it's Dean.


	9. Chapter 9 - Head In The Game

**Hi Guys! Sorry for the long wait - I hope there are still people who are reading this story... I've been caught up in my other stories and unfortunately this one had been neglected... I'm back on it now though, so hopefully the updates will come sooner.**

**Anyway, hope you enjoy it, I had loads of fun writing it!**

**Let me know, L.**

Chapter 9 - Head In The Game

I stare at Dean for a long while, trying to make sure I'm not dreaming and it's really him. It takes me some time, but he just stands there, his eyes fixed on mine and his hands shoved deep into his pockets. Finally I let out the sigh of relief I had no idea I was holding. And really I'm so relieved to see him – not only because I just physically can't stop thinking about him, but also because he's alright, he's safe.

Finally, I pull myself together and without saying a word I step aside to let him in. He doesn't say anything as well but he brushes past me to get inside. I close the door and turn around to look at him. I can see he's standing too close to me. He's not in my bubble precisely, but that's just because my bubble is really tiny. I think I'm in his bubble though, because there's definitely not a counter width space between us. He doesn't move, he just stares at me silently and I know he's giving me a chance to pull back. Instead I take another step towards him and now he's in my bubble too. He lets out a shaky breath and he grips my arm and pulls me the rest of the way to him. His lips are on mine the same instance and his tongue is probing intently. I don't hesitate – I open my mouth invitingly and I sneak my arms around his waist. There's a fire raging through me, scorching me, but I concentrate on the feeling of his tongue inside my mouth, licking me, tasting me, claiming me. His mouth is warm and wet and sweet and I can't think about anything else except the way he feels on me. He trails his kisses down my jaw and I realize he's talking between the kisses and licks, but it's so hard to concentrate when all I can do is to hold on to the fire raging in me.

"I've been thinking about this all week…" He mutters nipping at my neck and sliding his hands under my T-shirt. "All fucking week, Emmanuel. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't think straight… I kept remembering you moaning in my fucking mouth."

His mouth is on mine then and sure as hell I moan into his mouth again. It's so hot and I'm so hard and dammit if I can control any of it. Dean growls into my mouth and pulls me even closer to him. I can feel his cock throbbing in his pants against my thigh and I want him so badly. I start unbuttoning one of his shirts and he suddenly presses me hard against the door.

"All the fucking week, Em." He repeats between kisses and he tugs at my T-shirt, yanking it up. I lift my hands up and he removes it. The next moment his lips are on me, trailing kisses down my chest, licking my nipple on the way. I whimper at his touch, but he holds me tightly, sucking and licking and still talking in between.

"Even on the job I couldn't stop thinking… about you responding the way… you do to my every touch and every move… I can't afford to lose concentration on the job, and yet you are all… I… could think of."

His lips trail my almost healed gash on the stomach and the next second he's on his knees and he's unbuckling my belt.

"The things I want to do to you, Em…" He drawls and I shiver at the unspoken promise. He pulls my pants and boxers down and my cock springs out of them hard and leaking with pre-cum. He hums appreciatively at the sight and the next moment I feel his mouth on my cock and it takes all I have not to let my knees buckle. I whimper loudly at the feeling of his wet and hot mouth on me, but the next moment I almost shout out when he hollows his cheeks and starts sucking. My mind gets fuzzy and I can't form a decent thought anymore. I just let myself feel his hand gripping the base of my cock and moving in the rhythm of his sucking. I can't take it for very long and soon I start moaning and writhing. He grips my hip steadying me, but his rhythm never waivers. I feel my eyes roll up and I try to pull back.

"Dean… I… I can't… I'm so close…" I mumble almost incoherently, but he understands nevertheless, because the next second his other hand grips my hip and he holds me firmly, not allowing me to move an inch. Few more feverish pumps later I come so hard my vision actually whites out for a moment there, but I still feel him swallowing around me, moving with me through the heights of my orgasm until slowly, finally I come down. He releases me then and I almost fall down to my knees, my arms around his neck pulling him into a hard kiss. His mouth feels raw and tender and there's a salty bitter taste in it which I understand is my come and yet this kiss is the best yet and I chuckle silently into his mouth.

"Been thinking about doing this the entire drive here." He mutters as I pull back to draw breath.

"I take it, it was a fun drive?" I ask smiling at him and he cocks his eyebrow. "How about you come in and I'll take care of you?" I offer, because I realize we're kneeling at the front door.

He grins at that and nods.

"Yeah, ok. But could I use your shower first? I've been driving for almost 18 hours, I really need a shower."

I stand up, pull my pants on and lead him to the kitchen.

"How about this then," I get a sandwich I brought for my dinner yesterday and a bottle of beer from the fridge and put it in front of him, "I bet you're hungry, so why don't you eat this and I'll get you fresh towel, so you can shower?"

"You're awesome, dude!" He grins and takes a long swig from the bottle. In the mean time I look out of the window and frown.

"Where's your car?"

"I left it at the motel. I figured it's a small town, people notice stranger cars in small towns and I don't want to get you in trouble, so I booked a room and left my car there. I'm sure my baby's safe there."

"That's very thoughtful of you." I tell him and he grins before tearing the mouthful of the sandwich. "Ok, you eat and I go get you a towel."

But as I head to my bedroom something he said tugs at me. I look back.

"You booked a room in the motel? You mean you're not staying for the night?"

I wait for him to swallow before he can answer.

"I didn't want to presume, you know." He says at last. "Plus, you kind of have to book a room if you want to park a car there… Anyway, I'd like to stay if… if that's ok with you I mean."

"Yeah, I'd like that." I smile and head to fetch that towel for him.

When he gets out of the shower I'm sitting on the couch with the bottle of my own beer and watching some kind of an old movie Brian would undoubtedly call classics although I'm sure it's not. It's with that strange Schwarzenegger dude anyway and he's some kind of the machine I guess. It's utterly stupid, but surprisingly entrancing. I tear my gaze off the screen to look at Dean as he moves almost soundlessly to me. He looks fresh and relaxed with his T-shirt and jeans and wet hair and bare feet. To me he looks amazing. He sits next to me, close enough that our knees touch. He takes the bottle of beer I put there for him and takes a swig.

"You came back." I tell him calmly and he chuckles.

"Were you expecting me to stay in the shower?"

I roll my eyes and he sighs.

"Yeah, I came back." He finally mutters.

"I didn't think you would, but... I'm glad you did." I say, but stop right there. I don't want to go deeper in this – I'm not delusional enough to kid myself he came back to stay, I know he'll be leaving again soon, but just like the last time, it doesn't matter to me. I'm happy he's here now and that's all that matters. I think he's thinking along the same lines, because he pulls me closer to him and kisses me. He smells of my soap and shampoo and his tongue tastes of toothpaste, but behind it all he still tastes like him. There's no heat in this kiss, it's more about comfort and relief of being close again. He releases my mouth, but pulls me against him still as he leans back into the couch. I sigh contentedly and smile to myself.

"What?" He asks.

"You're smothering me with your cuddliness." I laugh silently and he scowls, but doesn't let go of me so I continue, "I not so secretly like it."

He doesn't say anything, just runs his fingers up and down my arm absent mindedly so I change the subject.

"How did your job go? With leviathans?"

"Ok, I guess. We didn't get much, just the glimpses. I still don't know what they're planning to do, they are really well organized, careful sons of bitches…" and then he adds as in the afterthought, "I did manage to get into a huge fight with my brother though."

"Why's that? What happened?"

"I was distracted on the job. He noticed my head was elsewhere and he's such a prying dick sometimes… Anyway, it was a tense drive back to Bobby's."

"Who's Bobby?"

"He's… Bobby's family, he's like a second father to me and Sammy. Anyway, I left him there and came to see you."

"So… Distracted?"

Dean chuckles silently at that.

"Yeah, you're kind of a bad influence on me, you know? I mean on the job I have to be focused, head in the game, but this time… Dammit, I could barely concentrate. And Sam… He's smart you know? Scares me how smart he is sometimes. He knew I was not on my best and of course he started whining and prying and all… Anyway, it got nasty soon enough."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault really, all me." He mutters and plants a chaste kiss on top of my head. I have to restrain myself from actually nuzzling into him. "Never happened before though… And really, not a big deal, we weren't even doing anything, just watching, so no harm no foul. Except Sammy made a big deal out of it and I just snapped…" Dean sighs at that and the yawns tiredly. "Anyway, I just hate having fights with him, you know? He doesn't feel that well lately… He's a bit sick and I'm kind of pissed at myself for having snapped."

"What's wrong with him?" I ask him and I can see at once he doesn't want to talk about that. His body tenses and his expression is more guarded than I have ever seen.

"He doesn't sleep well." He says and there's finality in his tone so I don't push it.

"You sound very tired too, you know? Maybe we should just go to sleep?"

"Nah, let's just watch the freakin' Terminator first. I don't think I can sleep just yet."

I nod and we watch the movie for some time. It's ridiculous how good I feel with him here, how safe and right it feels. I mean I barely know him and the little that I do know makes him even stranger than I am, but him being here… My home feels more like a home than ever before and I love it.

"You know, it's weird how you always manage to get me on or after my date." I tell him after a while. "Perhaps I should date more?"  
He chuckles and then asks.

"You were on a date tonight? With Emma?"

"Yeah."

"Third date?"

"Yes." It's a strange question, but his next question surprises me even more.

"Why isn't she here then?"

"Should she be?"

"Well, you know, third date."

This conversation is getting bizarre.

"Ok, I think I'll save us both the trouble and just tell you – no, I don't know. Why should she be here and what does that have to do with the third date?"

"Oh come on Em! Don't you tell me you don't know the third date rule?"

"What's up with dates and rules?" I ask bewildered and exasperated. "Is there a memo somewhere? I think I need to go through it!"

He laughs at that.

"So tell me, what's the rule? What did I mess up this time?"

"Well, if the dating is going alright, you're supposed to get laid after third date."

"Oh… That's… I didn't know that." That does explain a lot, I think.

Dean chuckles again.

"Hmmm, at least you got laid…" He smiles.

"Aren't you supposed to get laid with the person you're actually dating?" My lips twitch with a smile.

"You, apparently, aren't."

"Well, then I actually got laid after my second date. Does that make you easy?"

"Hell yeah! More often than not I get lucky during my first date."

I wrinkle my nose at that.

"That's a bit of information I could've done without."

"Jealous about my dating expertise? I can get a chick on my first date, you apparently can't even after your third."

"Hmm…" I mumble, "you can get a guy without even bothering to date. I guess that makes me easy."

"Or it makes me that good." He says with the grin.

"Or that." I agree thoughtfully. Now that I think of it, it does make me very easy, doesn't it?

"Hey, don't go there, Em." He says and he's lifting my chin so I meet his eyes. He plants a soft kiss on my lips and I nod.

"I don't recognize myself when I'm with you." I tell him. "It's odd, you know? How much I want you. Or isn't it? I mean I don't have much experience that I remember… Is it usual to want someone you don't even know that much?"

"It's a tough question Em. I don't know, I guess sometimes you just click and then it doesn't matter how much you know. Hell, maybe it's even better not to know, because then there's no baggage… Anyway, it's turning into a touchy – feely moment and I don't do touchy – feely. How 'bout we go to sleep?"

"Yeah, ok." I stand up and take his hand to pull him up. He doesn't let go of my hand and neither do I, so I just turn off the TV and lead him to my bedroom. Once there we shrug off our jeans and climb to my bed. He pulls me into his arms just like the last time and kisses me. I can see he's too tired for anything else than those slow and lazy kisses, so I don't initiate anything as well. I do kiss him for a long time, before I slide down and rest my head on his chest. His heartbeat is slow and steady and I relax completely. I don't think it takes more than two minutes for us to get to sleep.

/\/\/\

Wednesday

For the second time in my life I wake up slowly and peacefully. I can't fool myself anymore – it's definitely because Dean's here. Before I knew him and ever since he left I woke up with the start and usually a scream, but today it's slow and easy and all in all peaceful. I can see he's sleeping soundly, but even in his sleep he's holding me close to him and I'm all wrapped around him.

I untangle myself from him slowly, trying not to wake him. He's so peaceful in his sleep, he seems so much younger now. I brush a light kiss at his lips and slide out of bed. I pull up my jeans and head to the kitchen to make some coffee and breakfast.

When I'm done, he's still asleep and I nearly have to go to work, so I go back to my bedroom to wake him up. He's lying on his stomach now, sprawled across the bed. I smile at that and climb into my bed again. I lean over him and start trailing kisses down his neck and back, holding my weight with my arms, trying not to fall on him. I lick my way across his shoulder blades, nipping at his skin, tasting it. I can feel he's starting to stir beneath me, but I continue kissing and licking every inch of his back. When I reach his boxers I think about pulling them away for a second, but decide to leave it for later and rather go down to suck and nip at his inner thighs. He shivers at that and I know he's awake, but he doesn't say anything and I continue tasting him and memorizing all of him. I find out the backs of his knees are ticklish, but the sides are very sensitive and he all but whimpers when I run my tongue at them. I find out he likes it when I bite him gently or suck on the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. He turns to face me then and I meet his gaze for a second. His eyes a clouded, pupils blown and I think I mirror his expression quite well. I tear my eyes off of his and I carry on kissing him, slowly going up his body. I neglect the bulge in his boxers for the time being, because I know if I lay my mouth on it, I won't be able to carry on exploring. Instead I mouth the jut of his hipbone through the soft fabric and bite into it. He shudders at that and I run my tongue around his belly button. Once again I notice his abs are astonishing and I take my time running my lips and tongue across them. As I move up, I suck his nipple into my mouth and start teasing the already hard nub with my tongue and my teeth. I concentrate on his response to all I'm doing, because I want to know what he likes, what he enjoys. I have no experience of this, none that I can remember and so his every move and whimper is golden to me. I run my tongue across his tattoo marveling how his skin feels different there. I finally reach his collarbone and dammit do I like this bone! I suck on it, quite forcefully really, leaving a bruise there and it's strangely satisfying. He actually moans at that and I lower my body further, so now I'm lying on him as I kiss and bite at his neck. I trail the kisses up his jaw to his lips and as I crush my mouth to his, I rock my hips into his and that little friction of our cocks grinding together clouds my mind entirely. I think it does the same to him, because he growls in my mouth, grabs my hips and rocks us against each other again.

"Wait, wait…" I pant and move slightly away. He hisses under his breath, but I cut him off. "I want to…"

I hook my fingers under the waistband of his boxers and pull them down. I nudge his legs apart then and position myself between them. I look at his eyes and he's looking at me transfixed.

"I have no idea what I'm doing," I tell him breathlessly, "so you tell me if it's not right or you want it differently, ok?"

He just nods and I think he's pretty much speechless. I concentrate on what he did last night, what I liked, how he did it and what I want to do to him. I grip the base of his cock tightly and swirl my tongue around its head. He's salty and a little bitter but most of all it tastes of Dean and that's the taste I love. I swirl my tongue once again and dip it at the slit. Dean actually whimpers and the sound goes straight to my own dick. I'm hard and hot, but I concentrate on Dean. I lick my lips and I suck in the head of his cock. I start pumping him with my hand, steady slow rhythm. At the same time I start sucking and with each thrust of my hand I take more of him into my mouth. I realize it's a bit messy and I don't think there should be so much saliva, but I just love the feeling of him in my mouth so hard and hot and so… Him. I speed up then and I'm taking so much of him in, that the head of his cock hits the back of my throat with every thrust. I feel so full of him and that feeling is amazing. I can feel Dean's hands in my hair, but he doesn't push me or guide me, he just moans loudly so I think I'm doing it right. I speed up even further and try to put as much pressure with my tongue as I can. With my other hand I cup his balls and start massaging his perineum, my fingers inching closer, feeling the puckered skin there. He gasps at that and just a few thrusts later he's trying to push me off.

"Em… Fuck, Em, I'm so close…" He pants, but I don't let him push me off and I don't stop. Instead I look up at him, because I want to see his face, his eyes when he loses control and comes. He fixes his eyes on mine and I can feel it building in him, I can feel his body start to shudder, his hips buck involuntarily although he's trying to keep them still and then his come fills my mouth and I hum around him as I swallow, still stroking him and licking him. He breathes out my name and I finally release him. I wonder if I had been a teenager, would I have come in my pants from the look when he came alone… I probably would have.

I climb up his body and lie on his side, kissing his shoulder gently.

"Good morning." I mumble with a smile and he grins back.

"Yeah, yeah, 'good morning' me after we're done." He growls and moves suddenly to straddle me. "How's that you're in jeans?" He wonders but doesn't let me reply, because his mouth is on mine and he's fumbling with the zipper of my jeans. He moves back and yanks my jeans off along with my underwear. He looks at me for a long moment, as if trying to take me in. I stare at him just the same and honestly, he's just ridiculously good looking! Finally he crawls back on me and sucks on my neck. He brings up his palm to my mouth and murmurs into my ear. "Lick."

I do as he says – I run my tongue across his hand and I feel him shudder. He pulls his palm away and grips my cock tightly in his slicked hand. I moan at the contact and he catches my moan with his mouth. He starts moving his hand up and down, slowly, agonizingly so. I buck into it, trying to speed him up and he chuckles into my mouth. He does speed up though and soon I start whimpering and thrashing beneath him. The ball of fire in my stomach blazes again as my orgasm builds up and I feel it's ready to scorch me. I concentrate on the feeling of Dean's touch and his lips on me rather than the fire, but it intensifies further and I'm torn between pleasure and pain. I whimper and moan and with the last effort I manage to catch that fire before it scalds me and finally there's no pain, just the pleasure intensified by the burn in me. I come shouting his name and in the height of it all I hear him whispering "I've got you…" and I know he does.

/\/\/\

"Can you take a day off?" He asks as he sips the coffee. We're sitting in my kitchen having breakfast.

I think for a moment and the shake my head regretfully. "I could call in sick, but then the third of the town would come over to see if I'm ok…"

"Freakin' small towns."

"Yeah… When do you have to leave?" I ask evenly, trying to hide that I just don't want him to leave at all.

"I promised Sam I'd be back tomorrow."

"Oh…" It's too soon, unbelievably so, but I won't say that. I won't make it any harder than it already is. So I smile. "Ok, then we've still got today and tonight. How about this – I go to work and think of something so that Mark gives me afternoon off. On my way home I can grab some take out and we can have lunch here. And then maybe watch more movies or something?"

"Hmm… I like the lunch part as long as you're getting pie," he chuckles, "but after we can maybe go out? I mean weren't you saying I never took you out? We could fix that. Not in town, of course, your girlfriend probably wouldn't be thrilled to find out, but there's a half decent bar in Beloit. We could, I don't know, grab couple of beers, play some pool maybe?"

"Emma's not my girlfriend." I correct him automatically and see his lips twitch with suppressed smile. "And you don't have to take me on a date, we already got laid."

"Come on, man!"

"Last time I got out to a bar, I got attacked by a monster." I scowl.

"Yeah, but this time you'd be going out with a hunter!" He smiles proudly and I can't help but chuckle.

"Fine, let's go to a bar… Anyway, I really have to go now." I tell him and hand him a spare key. "Make yourself at home, but if you need to leave, lock up, ok?"

"I think I'll just wait here." He says, pulls me into his arms and kisses me. I can taste the coffee on his tongue and it's so domestic, it feels so very comforting, I can't hold back a contented sigh.

"I'm glad you came back." I whisper resting my forehead against his. Then I pull away, wink at him and leave the house.


	10. Chapter 10 - Walk of Shame

**Here you go - chapter 10! This story is giving me a hard time, seriously... I love it, but it's difficult to write and it just won't go where I want it to go :/**

**Good thing it finally looks like I'm heading to wrapping it up! Anyway, as always, I hope you like it, let me know! **

**Kisses, L.**

Chapter 10 - Walk of shame

"I can't believe you convinced me…" I mumble as we sit down with our beers at the table. We're in Beloit and the bar is called Hog's Tail. Absurd. "It's like the first time Brian took me out to Hunters'."

"Come on! It's ok here!"

"I don't know anybody here… It's just like then. I'm not used to not knowing anyone."

"Ok, but the difference is you don't have to get to know everyone." He smiles at me. "You're a drifter here."

I take a swig of my beer and think about that for a minute. It's strange how much I got used to knowing everyone and it's stranger still that I'm almost frightened being outside of the confines of my town. Dean nudges my knee with his.

"Relax Em. You know me."

I smile at him, nod and take another swig of my beer.

"So you like this kind of bars?" I ask.

"Yeah, I guess I do. I had this friend, Ellen… She was more of my father's friend so she felt she had to take care of Sammy and me, you know? Anyway, she had this bar, Roadhouse. The hunters from all over the place would go there… Kind of like a base or something. It was a bar just like this one, but it was nothing like it too."

"Was?"

"Yeah… It got burnt. Hunter's lifestyle doesn't really allow you to have something, you know? There is always something that wants to rip whatever you have from you. Ellen lost her husband, her bar, her daughter and finally her life. And it's just how the things go for the likes of me…"

I can feel his pain again and it hurts me too. I wish desperately there was something I could do for him, something I could say to make him feel better.

"You've got your brother though… It has to count for something." I try.

"Yeah, I've got Sammy and he's got me. And every fucking monster tried to use that against us. I've lost Sam countless times and now…" He stops abruptly and looks at me as if he had revealed too much. I frown and he composes himself visibly, as if a mask that just slid down was shoved back in place. "You know what? I think we've had enough of this emo chitchat! I'll get us more beer and let's try to actually have fun here."

I know I could push him, try to get it out of him, whatever it is that he's so frightened of, but I decide not to. It's his choice – when and if he's ready, he will tell me himself. So I nod and he waves at the waitress.

"Well hello here!" The waitress drawls, her eyes darting up and down Dean's body. "What can I get you two?"

"How 'bout you get us more beers, sweetheart?" Dean replies in his husky voice that makes the shiver go down my spine and then gives her his most charming smile. I tilt my head looking at him. This smile is completely different from the one he usually gives me – this one feels like a show and nothing more. The waitress doesn't see it that way, though. She blushes and mumbles, "Sure, give me a sec…" and stumbles away. I can't help but chuckle at that. Dean cocks his eyebrow at me.

"I can see how you get lucky on your first date. You pushed that poor girl into the overdrive!"

"What can I say? I'm adorable!" He grins and I laugh.

"You're not adorable, you're ridiculously hot!"

He chokes on his beer and coughs, but I can see the blush tinting his cheeks as he looks at me wide eyed.

"And now you're adorable." I laugh and he laughs with me.

"Em, do you play pool?" He asks me after a while and I shake my head.

"There's no pool table at Hunters' so I've never really tried. I might have played before and it might be like a bicycle thing, you know where they say if you know how to ride it, you always do no matter how long you didn't ride one, but I don't remember. By the way – either bicycle thing doesn't really work despite everyone saying it does or I never learnt to ride one."

"You don't know how to ride a bike?"

"I do now… After the "Em, let's go touring" fiasco, Emma and Tom actually taught me to ride it."

He grins.

"Tell me about 'Em, let's go touring' fiasco."

"It's stupid, really." I scowl. "Tom and Emma like bikes, they go touring every once in a while and generally, they move around town on bikes. It was one of those times they wanted to go touring and Emma insisted I went with them. I told them I had no bike and no idea of how to freakin' ride one, but of course they gave me the whole 'once a rider, always a rider' nonsense, leant me a bike and before I knew it, I was trying to ride it. After almost an hour of trying and failing and falling a lot, they finally gave up. The consensus was I never learnt, but I don't know… I mean I don't know anyone who doesn't know how to ride a bike. I should have known how to do it, but I just didn't. Maybe it's just the quirks of my amnesia… Anyway, after that they decided to teach me and couple of days later I was riding it with Emma."

Dean laughs.

"Your girlfriend sure is dedicated!"

"Emma's not my girlfriend."

"Come on Em! She's a girl, you date her, she's your friend and she wants to get into your bed. In my books that's girlfriend."

I do my doggy tilt of a head.

"Your logic is faulty." I tell him evenly.

"How'd you figure?"

"Because according to your logic, you're my boyfriend."

For the second time this evening he chokes on his beer and I laugh.

"Don't worry Dean. I don't think I'm clingy type, I won't hold you to it."

"You're a smartass, you know that?"

"Well, you kind of got into that yourself." I laugh again and this time he chuckles with me. "Don't worry, really. I'm not delusional and I won't have stupid ideas. You leave, it's over."

He looks at me for a long while then.

"Em, give me your number." He finally says and I stare at him. I hadn't expected that.

"Are you planning to come back?" I ask him just like the last time. And just like the last time he's silent for a long time. I smile at him. "I'd rather not."

"Em…"

"Dean, it's ok."

"No, it fucking isn't!" He hisses. "Em, look, I don't want to give you promises, because sometimes, and really almost all the times, I have no control over them. I can't promise you to come back…"

"Hey, I know that. It's fine, really. I don't expect you to promise me anything."

"Yes, but what I'm saying is that if I can, I will come back! The idea of not seeing you again drives me crazy. I want to come back…"

I can feel my face split into a huge grin and he gives me the smile I associate with him – real and honest.

"I'll give you my number." I finally tell him and he laughs.

"This was no doubts the hardest I had to work to get a number! And you were worried you were easy…"

"What can I say? I draw a line at numbers. Sex is fine, but giving out numbers is a no!" I laugh.

"Ok, smartass, let's go see if you know how to play pool."

/\/\/\

It takes us an hour to concede that yes, I do know how to play pool, but no, I really shouldn't. Not with him anyway. Dean went through the rules and general tips of how to play and it seemed pretty straight forward to me. You hit the white ball aiming it at colored balls that should go to the pockets. Physics and geometry, easy.

Except in an hour we also concede neither of us is too good at playing it together. I mean honestly, can there be anything as distracting as a guy you really, really want splayed on the table in front of you?

My hands itch the entire time I'm looking at him and I can barely keep my hands at my sides. Ten minutes in the game he notices the effect he has on me and I swear he's doing it on purpose, teasing me mercilessly while I try to pull myself together. Not only do I have to endure the sight of him leaning on the table, legs wide for better stance, tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth in concentration, but I also have to actually try making a shot as he leans over me showing me how to hold the stick, curling his fingers on mine and breathing into my ear. After couple of atrociously failed shots I decide to play by his rules. When he's getting ready to make a shot, I lean over him, my body pressed to his and mutter in my huskiest voice into his ear.

"I want to see how you do it… You're so good at it, aren't you?" I'm rewarded with the shot so bad it's amazing. And a couple of choice swear words. I chuckle and he fixes his eyes on mine. We're so on.

"I'm never ever taking you hustling." He mumbles an hour later, when we sit at the table again.

"You hustle?" I ask.

"Sometimes. You can shoot decently, could be actually good, but I'm never taking you."

"Distraction?" I grin.

"Damn torture!" He hisses. "Dammit Em, I'm this close to dragging you to the bathroom stall right now."

I laugh at that but at the same time I think I might not have minded that much to be dragged. And since apparently I'm doing this all 'live in a moment' thing with him, I mutter: "Don't see what's stopping you."

I swear he actually whimpers at that.

"For a guy who's uncomfortable in a strange bar, you sure are forward."

"You said to concentrate on you. I'm just doing that. Apparently concentrating on you is… arousing."

"Jesus freakin'…" He mutters. "Finish your beer and we're out of here or I swear I'll jump you right here."

In the end we don't even make it back to my home that night. We stop at his motel to leave the car, but before we know it we're both naked in his motel room, panting and moaning and thrusting against each other until finally we come shouting each other's names.

/\/\/\

Thursday

"So I suppose today I'll get to experience what 'walk of shame' is." I grin, staring at the ceiling. I woke up couple of minutes ago with Dean's arm resting across my chest, his face hidden in the pillow. He snaps his head up and looks at me curiously.

"How on earth do you not know what third date rule is, but know about the walk of shame?" He asks incredulously.

"Brian." I chuckle. "He told me that if I ever got a chance to get laid on my first date, I should bring the girl to my house or I'll get to do the whole 'walk of shame' thing."

Dean laughs at that.

"It's for one night stands, not for first dates."

"No, Brian said it's for first dates."

"Did Brian ever actually get laid on his first date? And did he even have one night stand?"

"It depends on whom you ask." I laugh. "Brian would have told you he had plenty of both, but I'm pretty sure Tom would give you a resounding 'no' on both accounts."

"Ok, then Brian doesn't get to have an opinion on this. Walk of shame – and seriously, it's absurd, there's no shame involved anyway – is for one night stands. You are not that." He kisses the corner of my mouth lightly.

"No?" I ask staring into his eyes. Dean rolls on top of me, pinning me to the bed without breaking the stare. I spread my legs a bit wider to accommodate him better.

"No, you are definitely not a one time thing, Em."

"Ok." I say and run my hands down his sides, resting them on his hips. "Because I seriously like waking up with you."

"Waking up? You go with waking up?" He laughs. "Dammit, I thought my technique might lack a little, I mean I'm not exactly used to being with a guy, but that's a blow!"

"Your technique is amazing." I counter with a grin. "There's still a lot I want to try, but the experience so far was nothing but pleasurable."

"Yeah? And what do you want to try?" He cocks his eyebrow.

"You're sidetracking me. I was talking about waking up. I like waking up with you, because I don't have nightmares when I'm with you. And that's something I really, really like."

"Hmm… I don't have nightmares when I'm with you too."

"Do you have nightmares often?" I ask.

"Too often for my liking. Not every night though."

"What are they about? Do you remember?"

"Yeah, I remember, but I don't want to talk about that. These are just the dreams, echoes, they can't reach me anymore."

"No, they can't." I agree and kiss him.

"So what about those things you want to try?" He asks smiling again.

"I don't remember being with anyone, you know? I'm sure there are many things I'd love to try. I know I'd like to see what it feels like to be in you." I grip his hips tighter and lick into his mouth. He moans and bucks his hips into mine. I draw back, my lips still grazing his as I speak. "Or to have you in me."

"Em…" He moans bucking into me again. "You do realize this is all I'll be thinking about while I'm away?"

"Good, we're on the same page then." I smile and he chuckles rolling off me. I groan at the loss of contact, but I know we don't have time. I have to be at work in an hour and I still have to get home. I sigh. "I've got to go."

"Yeah, I figured." He nods.

"Give me your phone." I ask and he hands me his phone. I punch in my number. "Look, if you don't call me, that's alright. I get that you might not come back so no pressure."

"I want to come back." He says firmly.

"I know. But as you said – it won't necessarily be up to you. So if you can't come back, I'll understand, no hard feelings." I brush a kiss at his lips. "But if you do come back, please try the weekend. I hate to have to go to work when you're here."

"Yeah, ok. I'll try to come. And I'll call you."

"Ok, I hope you will." I smile and he tugs me closer to him.

"Hey, I know it's all sorts of stupid and you don't even really know me, but… Fuck it. I just wish I could stay a bit longer."

"It's ok, Dean. I understand your real life is elsewhere."

"It's not ok!" He groans, tightening his arms around me. "It fucking sucks. I hate that I have to leave. I hate that I don't have a chance to stay with you for longer than few nights and I hate that… You'll go back to your life – dating and friends and eventually family and… Dammit, just forget about it."

"Dean." I mutter. Something flips over itself in my stomach and my heartbeat fastens. "You do realize it goes both ways? I hate that you have to leave and I can't go with you. You're risking your life everyday and there's nothing I can do to help you except pull away and let you go and I hate it. I hate it that I don't know you the way I want to know you. Do you think I haven't noticed how you pull away whenever I ask something personal? And I get it – you don't want to get deeper into whatever it is we're doing here, but I honestly hate that… And it's absurd to even speak about that, because I have to go and you have to leave again and we might not even see each other ever again… Just… You're right, let's just forget about that. We had a great time and that's good enough." I sit up. It's getting downright painful and I don't want it to be about pain. "Look, I really have to go now, Mark's not going to be impressed with me if I'm late again."

"Yeah, ok." He nods. "I have to go too, Sam's waiting for me and I really should be researching now rather than…"

What can I say to that? It's a goodbye again so as always, I just smile and we both get dressed.

"I'm glad you came to see me." I tell him at the door. He nods and then we're kissing again. It hurts to let him go, again, so I concentrate on the felling of his mouth on mine and on the feeling of fire in the pit of my stomach. Finally I pull away. "Be safe." I mutter and walk out closing the door behind me.


End file.
